I don’t know where else to put this, so.. I’ll tell my little story here.

There’s a guy named Collin, whom was the first person I ever told the full story to how much r***, abuse and hell I went through, and am still going through. He didn’t tell me it gets better. He told me that he doesn’t know if it gets better. He didn’t lie to me, but instead said that he’d be there for me, all he could. And, he has. He made everything easier, by simply, being honest, and not telling me how to live my life.

I thought of him like a brother. He’s 22. My real older brother had passed away, so this was perfect. I’m fifteen years old. I grew feelings for him. Y’know, love feelings. He was older, so I thought of myself as childish and silly for feeling such ways. He’s the only guy I feel safe to be alone with.

One night, he called me up. He said he had been drinking.. Our conversation went something like this:
Me: “Be careful, don’t get hurt.”
Him: “I won’t get hurt. … Man, the stars sure are beautiful.”
Me: “I miss the stars..” (I had moved from Georgia to Ohio, not many stars here.)
Him: “You are the sta- I miss them, too.”
..
My heart had gave a pathetic little leap, and I figured, you know ‘best tell him now’. I wanted him to know, so he’d stop being nice to me. So that I wouldn’t feel like I’m getting my hopes up when he’s only being brotherly. I go to tell him..
Me: “I have something to tell you..”
Him: “You’re in love with me, aren’t you?”
………………….
I can’t lie. I had to tell him yes. I told him how silly I felt. How childish I felt. And he shushed me, telling me that he loved me forever and a day. He told me he had loved me for a while now, since I had first opened up about what had happened.. He said he didn’t tell me, because he didn’t want me uncomfortable.

He also said that he didn’t want to tell me we could be in a relationship, because he was older, and that would be leading me on.
He then says “Sweetheart, I’ve got a secret.. I never really drank anything. I’m sober.”
I had assumed that he’d forget it all in the morning and was drunk rambling.

I bursted into tears. A few days passed, and then, I kissed him. He didn’t push me away, but didn’t let it last longer than a simple little peck on the lips.
By now we told each other we loved each other everyday.

I kissed him again, a few days later.
And he said, “we should make our official get together date the newyears, at twelve, exactly.”
And, we did.

Now, most of you are thinking that he’s taking advantage of me or something. I’ve tried to get him to go further. /I/ have. He always stops me, and tells me no. That we have to wait until I’m eighteen.
The only thing that’s changed between us, is that we’re both extremely open with our emotions, and we kiss occasionally.

He had a fiancee, his highschool sweetheart. She cheated on him. They split up. Yesteday, she texted him, asking if they could get back together. He told her no, that he was with someone better..
Goddamn, it feels so nice, in my heart. I’ve been sad all my life. Manic depression, schizophrenia, extreme anxiety, post traumatic stress.. A few other mental disorders. And, he is what makes my heart feel not sad.
I haven’t told anyone.

His dad is really ill, so he’s been spending a lot of time with him, lately. I don’t have an issue with it, but he blames himself, when he comes back, and I’m having trouble remembering what I did day to day, and am crying because the people I care for are starting to hate me.

Yeah. His siblings abandoned him after his accidental overdose. He was left alone. He told me one night “I’ve been extremely depressed. I’ve even contemplated suicide. But you’re here now, and all I can think is ‘I’ve got to stay alive for her, she needs me’. You’re the reason I’m alive, dear.”
That was before I even came out and told him I loved him. A while before that, actually.

Go ahead, tell me it’s sick and wrong and I should wait. I don’t really care.