This is really f****** lame and ultra-beta. Yeah. I f****** said it. Last night was going pretty well and I even felt like the universe decided to be nice and throw me a g******* bone but it was just the usual humor and carrot dangling that encompasses my life. I spent most of the day in the zone and then in a matter of minutes my whole house of cards collapsed on itself as all of the things I try to ignore erupted back into my life. Lack of sleep is generally making my mood worse.
Hit it off with a female INTJ (f****** non-existent) who happens to have every single feature I could ever want and was just an amazing person.
And then it just fizzled into oblivion almost as quickly as it erupted. I can’t help but feel like in my typical INTJ aloofness I inadvertently fucked up and said the wrong thing. Probably somewhere in that f****** book I wrote.
Anyway, I know I f****** blew it. I’m sitting here hoping for a text that I damn well know isn’t going to come but I’m continuing to play these stupid mind games with myself. Telling myself to just let it go but for some reason this one is really bothering me. Perhaps it was because I actually saw this as someone I could have some real compatibility with and … whatever. This is why I avoid relationships of any kind; they only serve to make me feel like s***. I’m a good looking guy (I have model looks and it’s been confirmed by 3rd parties so stfu – I also get hit on a lot…at least until I open my mouth), make a s*** ton of money, got a perfect ACT score and tested with an IQ over 180, and I couldn’t get another person to like me to save my life. I’m not bragging but just showing that having so much going for me on paper counts for jack s***.
I know there’s some serious emotional s*** going on in the background that causes me to feel like this. Probably wasn’t hugged enough as a child or some stupid b*******.
People look at me and probably think I have almost everything going for me. They couldn’t be more wrong. I hate everything but mostly I just hate myself.
My entire body is really f****** sore from working out so intensely this weekend but now all I want to do is exercise until I can’t f****** move. I think I’m going to ride the bike anyway today. Really don’t give a flying f*** anymore. Clearly there’s something being triggered here as perceived social rejection seems to cause me to “regress” into a state that I was familiar with for years. I can feel it. Some deep rage that fills the core of my being. Most of the time it’s pushed down. Locked away behind an intricate network of defenses I’ve erected but sometimes…just the right button will be pushed that will open the entire thing up. This torrent of energy is released and I just want to destroy everything. Watch the whole world f****** burn and laugh at it all.
Reminds me of being a kid and fantasizing about things like that every single g******* day. Going from that p************ home life and abusive a****** stepfather to being tormented all day in school. I’m probably going to break my teeth grinding them so hard just thinking about it.
Ugh I hate going back to that time – the rage (no better word exists…even rage feels too soft to really justify what I am feeling) powers me like a furnace. I can’t do anything positive in this state – only destroy.
I can be nothing but a fake because being myself just puts people off and I can’t even pull that off well because it just comes off as unnatural. For f***’s sake what am I supposed to do? The most I can do is let someone in just enough to show that I resemble a human. Anymore and the usual knee-jerk rejection occurs.
Doesn’t take much for me to remember how incompatible I am with this world and 99.9% of my own species. Hate this s*** so much. Hate myself so much. If I didn’t have so many people rely on me, I would have probably blown my brains out years ago. Guess it’s just a countdown until how soon I can engineer my own obsolescence. At least it gives me something to work towards.