I f****** hate my stupid life. I have no money, I hate my dissertation, I’m HIV-positive and lonely and no-one wants to have s** with me. Guys are all afraid of me. I’m alone, hate online dating websites, don’t want to go to bathhouses. There’s a guy coming over tonight who just wants to kiss (some hookup!), and I don’t want to meet him anymore, so I’m leaving my apartment to avoid him.
But I’m angry and depressed, and tired of being angry and depressed. I’ve tried meditating just now and I can’t concentrate. I wish I were dead, but I know I’ll never actually kill myself. I’ve lived with suicidal feelings for years without doing it or physically making an attempt. I’m just going to be stuck with this for the rest of my life, waiting to die while being miserable.