I crave s***** attention. I was always told as a child that I was ugly and flat chested and no one would ever want me. Then I was on and off with the same boy all through high school and he made me feel beautiful and s******* appealing so I felt better. but when we weren’t together all I wanted was attention. I never really liked anyone that I had s** with that much and that’s why I’m ashamed. I can have s** with as many people as I want but when I’m using people to fulfil my need for acceptance and validation it’s not right. about 5 months ago we broke up for good. He left me for a much more attractive girl that he had dated previously the day after he said he could see us spending forever together and I had thought seriously about killing myself for quite some time. Now I just feel horrible. I feel this pressure in my chest like someone is stabbing me pretty much 24/7 and I feel more alone and unwanted than ever. So I sleep with people who think the world of me and I feel nothing for them. one poor guy in particular has known me for quite some time and says he loves me. I just wish I had the capacity to even like someone else (or kiss someone else without being disgusted) other than my ex boyfriend. he’s f****** happy as a clown, peachy even, with his hot girlfriend and all my friends around him that I don’t see much anymore because I can’t stand to be near him. I just want to be happy.
I know rationally that I’m only 17, it’s no big deal, there will be other partners, you’re still young, time heals everything and all that. my therapist and parents and friends told me all that and I know they don’t want to hear about it so I don’t talk about it. but I am just dying inside, I literally feel my insides rotting at the thought of him. I hate it, I’m such an angsty f****** b**** and I’m being such a teenager but I don’t know what to do with myself.
I don’t just tear up either I f****** bawl my eyes out uncontrollably and it can take me sometimes hours to force myself to stop and I usually have to cut myself to calm down. I’m just so pathetic, there’s no place in the world for emotionally weak people like me. I’ve completely accepted that, the world is too much for me and maybe it would be better for everyone if I just gave up. My parents would eventually get over it, having 6 other children to worry about and my friends would get over it too, I’m a s***** friend anyway and I’m horribly condescending and annoying.
I find such insincerity in “You’re such a strong person” and “You’ve been through a lot and can pull out of this” and all that s***. You have to say that or else you seem like an a******. I am very weak. My emotions have chewed me up and spit me back out and I’m only 17. Also people go through WAY worse, every day and they don’t take it even an eighth as hard as I take things. -.- I’m literally rambling now but I can’t say this to anyone else. I don’t mean no one’s there for me I mean I can’t say this without crying and making no sense. G******* it I’m so angsty, people have it about a thousand times worse than me.