I have no reason to wake up tomorrow
I’m back in old habits again, that’s what I always tell myself when I get back to this point. The point being where all I do with my days is stay inside, watch copious amounts of TV, eat terrible food, and keep checking on my social networks for people I know that aren’t coming. I cocoon myself in hoping for something better, but the only energy I can muster is to spin a happy word and wallow in the hell I have put myself in. The best way I can describe the place I am in is by calling it the dark place.

Back track seven years ago; imagine a place where all you see is fitted rage from sadness. There are no memories here, only feelings. Anything you did, anything you saw, anything you did remember was at most content. Kind gestures, smiles, love, and warmth don’t live here. In fact no one lives here, except you. You have been in this place for two years, and no one really seems to give a damn enough as to why you’re not smiling. They chalk it up to puberty and leave it at that.

Fast forward a few months, high school. A new chance is ahead of you, this is your ticket out of the dark place, you jump on that wagon like a pioneer blazing through lost paths. In time, life gets better; friends appear, new music, new ideas, new life, and actually for once you dream and have hope for something in your future. A new ambition to try and have a healthy, normal life appeals to you in a way you never knew. You try to improve yourself every day, rain or shine, sick or slick you believe you’re going to make things better. This pattern keeps up for years until sometime in your freshmen year of college when you suddenly peak. Life is as good as it can get and you’re high on life and people and art school and for once you’re feeling like a normal g******* human being who is worthy and deserving of being loved and respected by other human beings. This ends with one swift event. An event which shakes your very core and it is this event that makes you realize you have nothing. You thought you had the world in your hands as long as you were trying to make things better, but at the end of the day you didn’t have a damn thing except the silly ideas in your head. You decide to “grow up”, you get a s***** job, you leave art school, and go the grind like every other responsible 20 something year old around you, but deep down some where through all this devastation you whisper to yourself “It’ll get better…”

Between the two years from then until now, I’ve been doing what a normal college student should be doing. I’ve worked that hell hole retail job with s***** managers, I’ve gone to community college to save money only to transfer to another school to get a “solid degree”, I even tried to go to the gym to lose that weight I said I’d always get rid of (granted I used to be 263 lbs, but 195 still wasn’t cutting it for me). I’ve done everything a normal person should do at my age and I’ve never been more miserable. I used to have dreams, dreams of traveling and meeting great places and people, dreams of making art for some crazy old rich guy in New York whose related to Russian royalty, I even used to dream of dying old by the sea side somewhere near the Carolina coast, but ever since that wake up call, all I want to do is sleep. I realize no matter what I do, no one will ever love me or give a damn about me. No matter how thin or how responsible I am, people just hate me for what I truly am. No matter how hard I try to be great at anything, I’m never good enough for anybody: not my mother, not my father, not that boy at the party, not even my friends. My reality check has made me realize my life is no teen slice of life novel, movie, or whatever. There is no one watching me thinking how great I am, there is no one tossing in their bed at night for me, there is no one thinking of me in those ways…rather no one really thinks much of me at all and it eats at me every day to dwell on the fact that I’ll never quite be good enough for anybody flaws and all.

All these past few years have made me think I have no reason to try anymore. What’s the point in trying anymore when people don’t want to get to know you for who you are anyway? I know who I am, but I guess no one else ever wants to know. What’s the point in waking up tomorrow? No one will want me; no one ever has. Every morning when I wake up, I just wish I didn’t because as much as I to think I left that dark place all those years ago, lately I’ve come to realize I’m still here…..I guess it’s just the like the Eagles said “you can check out but you can never leave”.