5 years
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I have been abused since I was 4 till 8yo. I am an adult now, I didnt remember anything till I was 24, my first time searching throught the deep web.
I didn’t actively searched for it, but it just came to me.
I watched those images and I felt strange a mix of horrible disgust and uncontrollable lust. I fapped to it and I wanted to kill myself afterwards, I didnt knew why, it was like I couldnt control it and I went to psychotherapy.
That’s where I discovered I was a victim of abuse by my own father and other random people which he shared me with.
I had to get it all out to control this compulsion to search through the darknet, it was like a powerful drug.
My psychotherapist said it was to regain “control” over those experiences, the control I never had being forced to do those things.
Some people think it is just s** with another human being, but it is not…
You are destroying the very essence of that person. I couldn’t even bring myself to penetrate my very first girlfriend after many times we tried. I even though I was gay, but this wasn’t the case as I couldn’t even bring myself closer to a guy without feeling some sort of disgust.
When I feel pain, when I feel sad, I go back to look for p*** or even darknet p***, because in my mind it is registered that on a strong negative emotion I have to concentrate on s***** pleasure to survive it.
I am still doing therapy to get over it, to stop looking for p********** as a painkiller ( because it is not, it can only get worse ).
Today I looked for darknet p*** once again, I feel guilty about it, and everytime I think that I am not courageous enough to kill myself.
I feel very lonely, even though I do not look like complete garbage, I know deep inside that I am trash. That’s why I cannot bring myself to look for friends or a girlfriend.
I just want to be better, to be stronger, I bringed myself to lose

New Confession

I consider myself probably the happiest and luckiest cuckold in the world. At the same time i both dislike and embrace the title. It is driven by one clear issue…a micropenis. She loves me and makes me feel adored, cherished, and respected. And s** is frequent and amazing and attentive. She commonly and randonly tells me to give her her little c*** and it can be hand oral or penetrative s**. But her need for penetration pleasure is what it is just as my sub 3 inch erect p**** is. I joyfully wear a s******* for her whenever she wants. We had a talk very early on about the realities and needs, and any woman deserves the real thing as well. Once ir twice a month, the “other man”…who we found jointly just like we did the ones before him (only one at a time ever, but sometimes they move or find a relationship)….he comes over when she has need and we are both home. I am only ever in the room the first time to make sure she feels safe and comfortable and that the rules….some mine but mostly hers and they are as much about me as her….are respected. Even then i am clothed. She and i jointly meet and talk and i guess “interview” him several times. After a new man’s first time with her i am no longer in the room. It happens very specifically…when he is to come over then she and i will begin for her arousal only. A guest bedroom in our home is used because both of us refuse to make her feel dirty by using a hotel and home is more comfortable for us both. He texts from the driveway. At that point i stop giving her oral and touch and leave her pre positiined head down on a pillow with her bottom up and available. She never wants any more face to face contact with him nor does she want him even kneelin behind her in our bed The room also has just the right chair for her to kneel on for when she wants that. So she is positioned to be taken from behind with her bottom at edge of bed. The man never speaks and neither does she. This is about giving her a real c*** for penetration only. The part most would think makes this disrespect me is that not only does she want to be ready but she also wants the man ready. No foreplay. When he enters he sees her from behind for rear entry. When he texts he is in the driveway and i leave her positioned and ready i go downstairs to meet him. He is required to strip and hand me his phone to make sure no pics or vid can be taken. He has to be ready so if he is not then i provide my hand and mouth to make sure he is. I do it for her because she does not want to be involved in any foreplay and she made a great effort to try to explain to me that that is a form of approval and consent to her and i want all her limits respected. And it is functional i have ready donned a tank and shorts even though i am aroused from having given her foreplay When he is erect and ready i send him to her. I remain downstairs and honestly enjoy how naturally vocal she is. She used to try to restrain herself but i assured her that hearing her from downstairs assures me that i know she is getting what she needs and loves even though i canmot. She is om birth control and it boosts her enjoyment to have him finish naturally and bare inside her. When he has finished he comes back downstairs and i consider it a gift and honor to clean him of her with my mouth. To taste her pleasure on him and know she got what she needs. At that point he will dress and leave unless my cleaning him restores his erection. If that happens i send him right back up to her for more. But she will be waiting in the same position for me whether once or more (in a couple of instances with the current man actually a third time and she gets louder every time). She knows if it will be him coming back or me because i knock before returning to her. If i send him back to her he simply opens and recloses the door and resumes.. The knock gives her the moment to choose the manner of us reuniting. It also gives her a moment to mentally come back to me. When i enter i always find her still positioned or slowly gently moving to lay on her back open her legs and smile up at me so beautifully exhausted and a look of sheer love. Fucked up as it may sound she is so beautiful in her post s** bliss and opening to me seeing his s**** inside her. Most of the time she wants me to bury my face in her and devour her to clean her which gives her powerful shaking climaxes. Then she will reach for me and pull me to her to lay atop and enter her to the degree i can and we hold tightly and sob into each other’s ears our love for each other. When i consider how so many cuckolds have to deal with the humilation i count myself the luckiest man alive. We will bask bare and sensually for hours after with more of our own l********* in our ways at our pace now that her natural needs are fulfilled.

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