Honestly, I need to get this off my chest- but thinking about it it isn’t likely this will even be posted.
I’m the eldest sister of three, my two younger siblings are identical twins- female if your curious. We all dance and of course, go to school. In dance I suppose I am okay but no matter how hard I try I’m never going to be good enough to match my sisters of two years younger, they audition for loads of things and get in while what do I do? I sit home and read and write fanfiction. I feel like an embarrassment to my entire family, my sisters are always so self-confident and I’m left to shy away from any and every piece of attention I will ever get, which is none when it comes to my family.
I know I’m ranting but now I’ve started I just can’t stop!
No matter what I do, my sister always top me. I’ll get a 89 on my Modern Jazz grade 2 and they’ll get a 90 in Musical Theatre or a place in a Pantomime. I meet my baseline in RE, they beat theirs in German I just can never win! I feel all I have is fandoms and sometimes even then I feel I am nothing compared to those other fans out there, doing better than I and then I wonder why I’m even bothering? Why do I bother trying to impress my family, why do I even make an effort in school, why do I pay attention at dancing? No matter how good I do I’m never good enough for my family, and I never will be.
Is it wrong I often ponder on the thoughts of suicide? Of cutting and starvation? I’m too wide for dancing anyway really….
I imagine a world without me in it and really the only thing that keeps me hanging on if my fanfiction, who would be there to console my other upset friends online? Who would update my stories to which the readers ask for? That’s what is making my life right now. I don’t have any real friends, except the ones online, and my daydreaming is what keeps me happy.
I skip sleep and cut meals in hope someone will recognise me, that someone will realise the pain I am in but I know with ever fibre of my body nobody will ever care for me, I have yet to resort to physical violence but I know it’s only a matter of time.
I realise now how secluded I have become, I never admit to any feeling and everyday I feign a smile hoping they fall for it; they do. I don’t need anyone, I tell myself this all the time. I can get through this on my own, I don’t need anybody’s help but my own.
I’m so sorry for the rant guys- I needed that off my chest.