When I was young I relied on other people to save me. The world is full of all sorts of unfortunate cruel realities; some lives are going to be rougher than others. After my sister couldn’t any more, I couldn’t face reality. People don’t love each other forever, some people drown their lives in addictions, some parents aren’t capable of raising children. I was five and angry at the world. I wanted to fix things, bring back an ideal of what could have existed, but I was powerless. I couldn’t help the people around me, and I couldn’t help myself. I thought if I could stop existing then they’d be happier, but slowly as I got older I realized things were more complicated than that. Part of it was because I wanted someone to save me again, but even that idea was shattered with age. I decided to live for myself at eight years old, and that self reliance has gotten me through over a decade of struggling just to make it to the end of the day.

Anyways, something I’ve realized recently is why I want to save people and why I react the way I do when it doesn’t work. I don’t want to save people for them, I want to save them for myself. If I can help someone now, a part of me believes it’ll make up for back then. If right now I can prevent someone for committing suicide, or help someone with their self confidence, I’d be making what happened in the past more okay. There were countless times back then when I wished with every inch of my being that I could’ve saved the people I love…But I don’t remember a single time when I did. I was weak, I was cowardly and I didn’t protect them when I should have. I know I can’t save people, I’ve learned this lesson countless times, but still I try nearly every day. I worry, I wish, I regret, and when I don’t succeed at helping people I get angry. I run away, and I shut them out. As long as someone’s trying to be better I’ll support them, but that’s a s***** double standard. I hate myself for being such a coward. I want to care about people, and have them care about me. Trying to save people for my own selfish reasons isn’t the way to do that.