I hurt people around me. I hurt myself. There’s a writhing, thrashing, hungry, angry beast inside of me, and I don’t know where it came from. I’ve physically hurt people around me so badly, I’ve nearly killed two of the most important people in my life. I don’t mean to hurt them, I just feel like I’m trying to rodeo a demon; it’s bucking me and I’m being dragged upsidedown by a foot caught in the stirrup while I watch this mangled, enraged part of me smash my life to pieces. I should be in prison – I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I don’t know how to fix it. Unless I can figure out what the hell’s going on with me, I think I’m eventually headed for the point of no return. I’ve already caused so much damage in the lives of at least two people I love, that at little bit of the poison inside me will be stuck in them. I’ve read about the effects left by the kind of abuse I put these people through, and the trauma that they went through because of me will probably live in a little corner of their soul for the rest of their lives.
I live in an area where people overall are very enlightened; I feel like I could possibly find the wisdom somewhere to quell this storm if I could only figure out what started it. There has to be something in my past that I can’t consciously remember that burned me so badly that the wound is still there, but I just don’t know what it is. I feel so helpless. I want to be at peace. I want peace. What I would give up just to feel quiet inside, and not have to be araid of myself, not be afraid of what I might do to the people I care about. I’m so tired. I just want peace.