It was my birthday today. I recently got a new job and for some reason, I believed the people from the previous job that I’d bonded with when they said we were friends and they actually seemed to want to try and get together for my birthday. Any conversations have been instigated by me and there was definitely no greetings today. Even my “best friends” that I’ve had for years didn’t say anything. My birthday consisted of games with my boyfriend and his best friend. Both of them are great, but the fact I have essentially zero attachments to people other than my boyfriend depresses me. It takes a lot for me to feel comfortable around people but once I do, I’m open with them and I try to hang out with them. But I’m always, always, always pushed to the fringe.
At my new job I thought I was making friends with my coworkers. Turns out one of them doesn’t like me and has been talking behind my back saying I’m competitive and too ambitious–exactly the opposite of what I actually am, even a coworker of the past year and a half agreed with me that’s not my personality. All the time I think I’m gaining a friend, I find out the two-faced side and gain more trust issues.
These past couple days I’ve been struggling with the knowledge that I’ve been left behind by old friends and ignored by any new ones, I feel incompetent in my majors and I don’t know what to do with my life, and I worry my parents think I’m avoiding them when really I just can’t catch any time away from work despite all my efforts.