5 years
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Monica was dumbstruck just looking at me in disbelief. Up and down but mostly at the towel that hid my package from her pretty blue eyes. “You can’t be serious?” She met my eyes. “I am, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to make you look at me or flash you like some kind of weird-o pervert.” I could see a tenseness leave both her face and her posture. “I can understand your curiosity Monica really I do, I was just offering for you to actually have an honest look see and maybe ask any questions that you might have.” She was looking at me. “I mean I realize that you and your mom have probably had “The talk” (using quotations) “And all the girl talk with your girlfriends, but don’t you want to know something for real?” Her head was nodding a little as she was spacing out on the towel. She blinked a few times and came back from wherever she had been. “Oh..um I don’t.. I don’t know if we should…” Looking at me again. “You don’t have to do anything Monica. Why don’t we just forget it and make a big ‘ole brunch and maybe go for a ride or something?” She smiled her pretty smile.
“Yea that sounds good! I’m getting a little hungry anyway.” I tied my towel saying, Why don’t you think about what you want to eat and get started while I go get dressed.” “Huh?, oh, okay.” Smiling distractedly at my frontal lump that actually became apparent pressed against the towel now that it was wrapped around me again, but a little turned on. I left the room to get dressed knowing that I was down but not necessarily out. I could only hope that this awkward situation I had put her into got better, or just went quietly away and didn’t ruin our new friendship.

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I’m tempted to give up on her and I I feel like I’ve been trying so long and litteeally I put in the effort. She doesn’t even try to communicate back. I don’t think she even knows I tried to reach her. The messages are unread. I’m blocked on fb. I’ve spent a year even trying to reach her on different social media on off. Tried to rebuild start from scratch. Impress her compliment her and say how I truly feel. All those months I spent on my knees praying for her for and for us that was 2 f****** years ago. Then you tease me with a vision of us and tell me well have kids and make me earn them by doing good deeds just basically keep doing it till something happens then you tease me with how she looked pregnant and no one told me s*** for months I’m left alone wondering if anything even happened with a woman I love who won’t speak to me let alone even add me on social media who was probably carrying my kid that was my gift of my love to her. Then more months go by I know nothing no one tells me anything. I spent months begging the real jesus for clarity tell me what is going on felt like their souls exist and don’t understand where I’m under this god that can’t possibly be jesus while trying to find jesus for 2 1/2 godamn years of working my a** off obsessing over what in the name of God I could possibly be doing wrong. Months and months of devotion and bible studies and all those prayers and trying to learn and fun. Months I was tormented for I think almost a year and I still get tormented. Everything I have been through in faith is so unfair. Then I saw recently she didn’t even look pregnant. This god is such a jerk. I blame the real jesus every day for not helping me or my life not h3lping me understand what is going on leaving me on my own to try to figure everything out for a year or more. All the he’ll and torment I have gone through all the horrible things I have gone through in the last 2 years. My life genuinely feels so bad that this year I finally looked for a diff god yet still believing In Jesus bc it just that gofamn awful it shouldn’t be this hard. I’ll curse you every day jesus for not helping me all those times I seemed the real jesus not this thunder thing or satan. This is bs. You have nonidea how many times u even asked for deliverance from things
You have no idea how many times I have tried to confess sins or talked to a priest. How much effort I have put into it Christianity and faith and these weird spiritual things I have gone through. I’ve spent 2 1 /2 years still trying ti understand visions even. And all this other stuff that I don’t understand (other spiritual things all kinds of stuff even dreams that were spiritual) and yeah I prayed about it yeah I talked to priest about it. Your Bible is useless on so many issues. Jesus is a damn moron and a jerk and clearly is f****** deaf