Today wasn’t a good day. Unlike yesterday, not that it was a great day either, but at least I was buried on my work and my countless thoughts were silenced by the daily tasks. The noise was loud and clear today. I felt I was out of my own body, as if this living mechanism did not belong to me at all. I often feel I am an alien living as a parasite in someone else’s body. This is not my life; this is not what I am supposed to be doing. Shame though, it seems to be a beautiful day outside. My heart is bleeding and I am drowning in the sorrows I created. I miss ex husband. I miss having family around. I miss what I destroyed.

Dangerous thing, hating one’s self. You don’t only hurt yourself but those around you. I often thought it was only me I was hurting. But now I see, as everyone has left my sight and I am here, standing alone with nothing to live for. I wonder if I was even supposed to make it this far. Was I supposed to end this journey a long time ago and someone forgot to pull the plug? Was that someone me? Was I supposed to end it?

I understand that my parents, my brother and maybe some friends would have been sad for the way I went. But by now time would have healed their wounds and no more suffering would have been added to their lives. And what about my new husband? What about him? He didn’t know what he was getting himself into. Although I think that he is not with me for real reasons, what if he is? He is young and he doesn’t love me enough to suffer much. He will be ok.

Will I go to hell? Will god place me there as punishment for murder? Murder of myself, is that even considered murder? What if there is no god, no heaven, and no hell? What is the point of waiting for my body to give up? Cigarettes are taking too long to kill it. I should think of a faster method. I should come up with something fast. Nah… I could never do it. I rather suffer with the pain. At least thats what I think I diserve.