I just got back from my first AA meeting. I was nervous but really excited to go and didn’t know what to expect. When I walked up to the church there were people standing outside smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee just like D told me I would find. I asked them if I was at the right place and they cracked the same joke about the cigarettes and coffee. They asked if it was my first meeting and I said yeah. They were very friendly and all shook my hand and introduced themselves. When I went inside everyone was smiling and talking to each other, some hugging as they greeted each other. It was definitely a warm atmosphere. I wasn’t familiar with the opening readings or any of the sayings that they all say together kind of like in church but that was okay, I’ll learn. They asked who was new and the newcomers had to raise their hands and introduce themselves and say they were an alcoholic. When it was my turn and I said “I’m Nicole and I’m an alcoholic,” it felt weird to say but at the same time so good. I’ve been refusing to face it for so long.
Dennis was our guest speaker. He told us all about his life and what he’s done, when he decided he needed to get help and change his life and how he found God. I got teary eyed a couple of times. Even though his life is so different then mine we we’re exactly the same, everyone in the room. Then the room was opened up for discussion. The topic was God and people reflected on Dennis’ story. Everyone who spoke said they had found God and could relate to needing him to stay sober. While I don’t personally believe in the stereotypical God, I believe in the universe and it’s power to change around me based on my desires. (Think and Grow Rich philosophy, great book, changed my life) So once I translated all the God talk into my own terms and philosophy I was okay and could relate to everything they were saying.
You could feel the energy in the room. Everyone was there for the same reason and with the same desire: to stay sober, and it was so powerful and so different than talking about my problems with non-alcoholics. I don’t know who I’ll ask to be my sponsor yet. There was one girl who looked a little older than me and was dressed nice. She might be a good match for me. I just have so many questions to ask the people who have gone through this before, my number one question being, does the feeling like you just got diagnosed with cancer ever go away? I know it’s a disease but I feel like I’m weak sometimes and depressed still. I’m ashamed and confused and scared.
My emotions are so overwhelming and I’m still at conflict with myself. When I got into my car to drive home from the meeting I just started balling and had to call my mom. Going to the meeting made everything so real for me. I mean I read a book about young people and AA but to actually go and see that I’m not alone and see the road to recovery right in front of me was almost too much and made me wonder if I’m ready for it. It seemed like everyone in the room had done so many worse things than me. I mean I totally had every right to be there. I’m an alcoholic, but it’s just scary to face I guess. I’ve lied and made up excuses for years and finally all these suppressed emotions and suspisions of my problem are coming out. I feel like I’m sick, like a part of me is broken.
Tomorrow is Friday and I just don’t want it to come. I don’t want to be around alcohol or drunk people. At least I’m going home soon. I can’t wait to be with my family. I love them all so much and I know they will always love me and be there for me through anything. My mom and I are going to an AA meeting together over Thanksgiving break.
Despite all the crazy and depressing emotions I’m feeling I also finally feel at peace with myself. I’m finally being honest with myself and doing something I’ve wanted to do deep down for so long. I’m comfortable enough with myself to say no to a drink or go to a party sober. Granted I haven’t done it much.. but just to know that I can feels good and I want to make it a regular thing. I want to stay sober so bad. I want what the people at AA have. God to be able to say I’ve been sober for one year would mean the world to me.