I feel like such a loser, I don’t want to live anymore. I’d trade lives with anyone at this point. I’m crying almost everyday now from stress, guilt, and from everyone having these ridiculously high expectations of me. Money at home is an issue as well. My mother is mentally unstable and bi-polar, she says she has completely given up on me. Some days she says she wants to pack up and leave me completely but the next day she’ll go on as nothing she’s said mattered. She’ll end up crying if I confront her and I feel like a terrible person.
My brother is constantly scolding me for messing up and Im always compared to him, a straight As, talented honors student with a sports scholarship. My father is never around and when he is I can tell he’s so done or uninterested in me. he never wanted a girl, he thinks that my confusion and bullying at school is just me not trying hard enough and he’s always doubting me. At a young age, he’d physically push me around and still threatens me if if I do something he doesn’t agree with. I even think he’s cheating on my mom with someone he works with..He takes as many hours as possible, and as if this wasnt an obvious enough clue, I found a condom in his car. My brother would be in complete denial about it while my mom is keeping divorce in mind.
I’m losing sleep, trying to cram and cram information in my head, I’m not eating properly, and I can feel all my friends drifting away from me since I’m such a stressed out bother to be around. The only thing I look forward to is finally going to bed at the end of the day. And when I look back, I realize this isn’t teenage angst, I was just too young to pick up on how damaged my life has been since elementary. I knew my family was different, but not this dramatically so.
Some days I feel like everything is my fault.. Everyone would be happy if I were gone. They wouldn’t have another mouth to feed, maybe money would be less tight. Im not suicidal, I’m too much of a coward to do that. I just wish I could belong. I wish I was talented. I wish people would actually look forward to seeing me everyday. But I don’t, I’m not, and I doubt anyone will see me in such a light.
It feels good to type this out. Thank you if you actually read all this. Im sorry for wasting your time.
