I am too good for most of the guys I have met. I miss this one guy from university in 1992 a lot. that was were everything went wrong in my life. when these people attacked me and bashed me up.

I never wanted things to turn out like this and I just wonder how people around me cope with me saying things like …

“I WANT THE WORLD TO HURT ME TO MIRROR BACK HOW MUCH OF A AWFUL PERSON I AM’

“I LONG TO BE THE BROKEN MAN MY OLD P******** ABUSER WAS”

“I AM BILL”

“THE WORLD MADE ME BILL BECAUSE THEY LET ME DOWN DELIBERATELY TO TEACH ME A LESSON”

BUT I WANT THE LESSON…

I WANT THE WORLD TO HURT ME.

I WANT TO BE HURT TIL I CAN NOT STAND UP

MY PARENTS SUPPORT EVERYTHING I SAY AND DO …

THEY WILL NOT SUPPORT MY SISTER AND BROTHER IN ANYTHING ANYMORE

THEY WILL NOT BE PART OF THEIR LIVES AND THAT HAS MADE ME SEE THAT MY PARENTS VALUE MY PRINCIPLES TO LIFE. THEY SAID KEN WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME AND THEY WERE RIGHT…I DESERVED BETTER BUT THE WORLD AND MY RELATIVES DID NOT WANT TO GIVE ME BETTER OR LET ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF SINCE I WAS A CHILD.

BUT NOW I AM ADDICTED TO THE HURT AND I WANT THEM TO KEEP HURTING ME AND SHOW THEMSELVES UP AS THE BAD GUYS… SO I CAN WIN THE SECRET WAR.