Its been almost 10 months since me and my ex girlfriend broke up. I guess to give you some back story behind it to the reason I’m posting this I’ll give you some info on our relationship. I met her through a very good friend of mine back in March of 2012. She gave my ex my number and we texted through out the night. We hit it off real well. Somewhere in the conversation she said she wanted to go on a road trip. So I said why not come up to MI (where I live) from Indiana (where she lived about four hours away). She said of course. So the very next day we met. She drove all the way to meet an almost complete stranger she just started talking to not even 20 some hours before hand. It wasn’t a perfect first meeting. I was coaching a lacrosse team at the time and it was very cold that day. So while I practiced with the guys and she sat in the car. However, I did some smooth talking to keep her attention before hand.
When practice was over she came back to my place. She got into a real deep conversation with my dad and then we went down stairs to my room. We talked. We flirted. It was love at first sight for both of us. I was instantly enthralled with everything she did or said. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her pretty smile. Then we kissed. It was like everything I’ve waited or my entire life. I felt like I was kissing my future wife for the first time.
She left shortly thereafter but later that night we skyped for hours. We just talked and talked. Told each other everything about ourselves. Our deepest secrets. She opened up to me about her real dad and the self esteem issues she suffered as a child and now. I told her about my drug abuse during high school and how I’ve been clean for 2 years. It was as if everything was falling into place.
Fast forward two weeks and there we are skyping again. We said “I Love You” to each other for the first time. not exactly a fairy tale way to say it but it felt right.
Since we lived so far away (she went to school at Ball State, so the closest she ever lived to me was 3 hours) we only got to see each other about once or twice a month. But when we were together it was as if the distance never mattered. All that mattered was that I was holding her and she was holding me. We did have some rough spots in our relationship though. We fought like any other couple. About me being a d*** sometimes, how she needed to stop worrying about me, and the distance. But it never really seemed to affect us. We always thought everything was fine.
Many times I told her I wanted her to be my last girlfriend. And she did the same. We always thought we would be married in a few years and start a life together. It was just the plan of ours.
Then one night we got into a big fight about her step dad. Him and I never really got along. Actually, what I found out recently is that none of her family liked me (details about that soon). Her step dad and I got into a bit of an argument over something stupid one night while I was spending Thanksgiving with her family. I can’t even remember what it was about, that’s how dumb it was. She asked about it, but I kept saying it wasn’t a big deal. She kept bugging me about it until finally I said f*** it and told her.
The next day I woke up to a text saying “we need to talk.”
She called me and said she was ending it.
Because I was a d***, I was mean to her friends and family, and treated her badly.
Looking back I wish I drove down there to see her and beg for one more chance even though I had so many in the past.
It hurt. This hurt worse than anything in my life. People who have been through break ups before know how bad this can f*** up your life. Especially when you thought you were with the person you thought you were going to get married to.
For a long time I drank away my pain. Jack Daniels was my best friend and Budweiser was his side kick. I drank til I fell down. Drank until I puked. Drank until tears ran down my face. Drank til I punched or slammed my head against walls to see if that hurt worse than her leaving.
At times I thought I should just end it. Get wasted and then drive my car into a tree or on coming headlights. I figured if she didn’t love me anymore than who else in this world full of people would.
I never could muster up the balls to do something so stupid and selfish, so I just continued to drink away her memory.
I filled my head up with whiskey and my bed full of girls I don’t remember.
I decided to move with my best friend down to Georgia. I needed to get away from all the distractions of home and make fresh start, maybe even meet a Southern Belle and date her. But it was mostly to try and escape her memory. To this day I catch myself thinking about her. I think about how it used to be and how much different my life could be if I still was with her. Maybe I would have moved down to live her. Who knows.
I finally got some closure on all this and why we broke up, why she basically deleted me from her life. Why everything really. It helped a little but it still hurts. Not as bad. But its still there.
It would have been a year and six months around this time.
This break up really has affected me emotionally and physically.
I wish I could get her out of my head. Its been holding me back from trying to date other girls and some days if I drink to much all I do is think of her and cry. I wouldn’t have these scars on my knuckles from putting them through the walls of my house or the bumps on my head from slamming it into my garage or truck door.
I’ve been getting better. I went on some dates with some girls and actually connected with a few. But since I was moving away I never got to attached. But now that I am down in Georgia maybe things will start looking up.
But some days are worse then most. I still let her memory hold on to me and hold me back from finally letting go and moving on.

Whoever is reading, I’m sorry if I sound like a bit of a p****. All my friends and sometimes even family members have told me I need to s*** it up and let it go. But the people who know me best know this has affected me deeply. My parents still worry about all this. My best friend knows when she creeps into my head and he understands. I hope someone out there understand what I have gone through and what I am going through.
Its good, even though this is completely anonymous and I’m telling people I don’t know or even meet, that I can get this all out and share my emotions.
So whoever reads this and knows what I am going through or knows my pain,
Thanks.
-DW