My mom wants to kill herself, and I don’t know how to tell her not to. Her reasons make sense, and I’m so tired of constantly monitoring her every word (because I don’t live with her) and making sure my younger siblings are safe around her. I love her with all my heart, I just don’t know how to make her want to live. I’m 17 and I’ve lived through two of my mom’s suicide attempts and her constant self-harm. She had four kids by the time she was 22 and had them by herself. Since then, my siblings and I are spread out everywhere. Me, because it was my choice. My siblings because they felt like they needed to leave too. Except now my mom feels like a loser and says that she’s only screwed up our lives (which may be slightly true; she’s always had men in and out of our lives and drugs, and poverty, etc.). But she taught us well, and we’ve turned out to be really good children. She feels like we don’t need her, and no one else will talk to her. She also has split personality disorder, which has only recently been acting up. So, now I don’t know if I’ll be waking up in the morning with missed phone calls from her, pleading for help and then I find out she’s dead. I’ve been planning her funeral, because I’m scared no one else will. I’m scared no one will know when she’s gone. But I want everyone to know, and I want them to know that it was their fault because they wouldn’t listen to her. And I want them to know that I blame myself too, because I left, and started a chain reaction. Leaving was the best decision I’d made in my entire life, but it was also the worst. Now, I’m constantly thinking about what that phone call will sound like. The “your mom just killed herself” call.
