me. girl. nerdy. unpopular. plain jane, on the ugly side. shy. depression prone. insecure. clingy. overly analytical. emotional. overly sensitive. overthinker. stuff like that.
outside, i’m still a plain jane, but i try to fit in as much as possible. friendly to my peers. get decent grades. get along with people most of the time. save a few people, i never ever ever ever ever show my depression and suicidal side to people. i stuff it in me as far as it can go. when i’m talking to people, it distracts me. outside, it looks like i’ve gone through a change. become friendlier, more outgoing, fun, ambitious. nope. i’m still in the same rut.
i tried talking to people. really, only one person. a good friend. her only problem is that she’s a bit immature, childish. her mind is drastically different from mine. we’re the same age but we’re completely different. i guess we used to be the same before but now i’ve changed for the worse and now it’s all pretend and fake laughs and sorry, but kind of stepping myself a level down to talk to her. she’s a good person really. but of course, i decided to talk to her about myself before i found about all of this. i’m sure i’ve given her a few hints about myself, about my feelings. totally. did. not. get. it. at. all. thinks it’s just a bad mood or something. course, she’s a sweet girl, so she’s still concerned for me. so i confide in her a bit more. give her a little glimpse of the real me to see what she thinks. needless to say she was probably totally creeped and freaked out. who wants a weirdo for a friend. really, who wants a friend, freakishly insesure and prone to depression and suicidal thoughts as a friend. who wants that dead weight? who wants all that emotional baggage? hence the two sided me.
that was probably the one and only time i’ve told anyone of my insecurities of that severe of a degree.
next part now. part two, my pathetic and disgusting and loser social life. i’m sure this will be entertaining to read. not really, it’s a bore even writing this.
you read my little autobiography earlier, didn’t you? so i’m sure you can just imagine my sparkling love life (hint, i don’t have one). i’ve only been in contact with a few boys in my life, all of them being miserable failures.
let me see now.
younger, didn’t talk to a single guy.
freshman year to sophmore year. infatuated with someone because i was infatuated with them. the only reason. tripped myself all the time trying to talk to him. nothing remarkable about him, really. ordinary guy. another nerdy one. wasn’t anything i really liked about him in particular. i just liked him because i did. i told a few people about that crush, and oh boy was it a bad idea. awkward now, same friends group, friends still think i have a thing for him. i. don’t. though it’s cool with him now. not weird around him anymore, but the atmosphere is quite awkward thanks to me.
last year was the most wonderful year of my life (sarcasm). tried the whole summer makeover thing. came back. who knew? a guy actually noticed me! background on this guy: kinda knew him throughout highschool. ordinary guy. nothing special. didn’t recognize me, thought i was new. for some reason he was abnormally interested in me. my friends thought he was into me, and considering my lack of social experience, you can imagine how confused and more increasingly awkward our encounters became. of course, i would like to mention his personality, at least to me. for one thing, clingy. awkward. pushy. yes, that’s the right word. way too pushy. i have a clear line between strangers and friends, and he just crossed it without even blinking. and that’s not a compliment. i have this bubble you see, it’s filled with my most sacred people and things and thoughts. you think you can just barge right into there and make yourself comfortable? no. get out. you’re not welcome. course, he kept pushing. even tried giving me a nickname. friends kept pushing the romantic aura around us. i became more awkward round him. really, it really confused me. in my little unexperienced mind, i thought he was into me. it made sense to me, since he kept txting me and talking to me and pushing to talk to me. it made sense to me. i wanted to tell him to stop, that he was making me so damn uncomfortable and weird and confused with what i thought were advances. i meant, what the hell. what was i supposed to do. course, i didn’t have any guts to tell him to back off in person. really, can you imagine me doing that? nope. so i got onto my lovely social media, where he was still incessantly messaging me about something irrelevant and stupid. i wrote a lovely long message on what i just wrote. how my friends thought that he was into me, that i didn’t like him that way, that i wanted him to back off because he was seriously making me uncomfortable and he was really creeping me out (hey, i was totally not used to guy contact). told him to leave me alone for real. told him i was sorry i couldn’t tell him in person because i had no guts. message ended. i blocked him on facebook, ignored him in real life. i’d like to note that before this i kept dropping hints that i wanted to him to back off and give me space. sure, i’m friendly, but to really get to know me, that takes years and years. it’s like he really wanted to drill into me (not in that way pervert). it was overwhelming, to say the least. but of course, i have s***** hint dropping skills and he didn’t understand a thing. thought i was joking around, that my cold and indifferent attitude was part of some playing hard to get scheme i was making up. dear jesus what’s wrong with you. after i sent that fb message, first day back to school. you can imagine how he reacted. still keep pestering, asking me what i got mad at him for. btw, we were kind of friends before this happened. classes with him became increasingly awkward. ignoring him became awkward. eventually, he got the hint and stopped trying to greet me and talk to me. school ended, summer started. summer ended in a blink. though throughout that whole summer i carried this pestering feeling that i made the wrong decision, somehow. he could’ve been my first guy friend. i mean, now that i think about it, he wasn’t really doing anything weird or creepy or bad. sure, he was defiintely pushy, but by the time summer ended i was kicking myself up because i acted like such an unsensitive b****. it was really confirmed when i told another friend about what i said to him (she was one of the firends who kept pushing the romantic relationship onto us both, well only me. i was really relieved at the time, as if i had really done the right thing. but she just looked straight at me with a look of horror on her face, as if she couldn’t believe what ihad done. “why would you say that?” she said. “that’s so mean,” she whisppered. well, that sounds kind of dramatic, but it went something like that. it was then when i realized what a retard i was. what the hell was i doing. what the hell did i just do. i just ruined a potential friendship, possible boyfriend, just because he was a guy. stupid me. i feel realy stupid that i don’t catch these little social hints. maybe i shouldn’t have been so honest, i think about it now. maybe i should’ve just endured it and just became friends with him and ignored the weird romantic messages and gestures he kept pushing at me and just became normal friends. but of ocurse, i ruined it, yet again. id on’t eeven know what i’m doing anymore. what am i even writing about anymore. it’s just random s***. my regrets are all in this weird bubble of weirdness that i can’t even read or decifer anymore. what the hell am i writing about. okay.
what hurts the most is that i kind of want to be friends with him again. told you already, he wasn’t a bad dude. s***, i can’t reveal too much because i dont’ want to be identified here. ayways. from as afar as i can see there’s no way whatsoever to repair this situation. i kind of get this feeling, as if i just dumped someone and now i want them back. even though we were never dating. i think i’m just desperate for love, which is why i fall for anyone who shows me a remote amount of interest. tehre’s another story after this, but i’ll save it for later. back to pushy guy. i don’t see much choices. one is to keep ignoring each other,which we have been doing, and hope these feelings of regret and hopefulness that he’ll notice me again and talk to me will go away. second is to go up and talk to him myself and be the one who takes the initiative to become friends. who the hell knows why i want to be friends with him, anyways. i just dissed him throughout this whole blurb of text, so i dont’ even know. i dont’ even know my own feelings for that damn male human, i dont’ know whether i’m romantically interested or if i’m just a masochist who likes ‘dumping’ people and then hoping they’ll notice me again after i told them to stop noticing me.
what do i doooooooooo. it’s liek the roles of switched now. he’ stopped even acknowledging me, which is what i wanted in my so lengthy rant/pseudo restratining order facebook message. but what’s the most pathetic is that i want him. WHYYYY DO I FEEL THIS WAY. argh. i feel sort of happy when i pass by him, when we’re in the same classes. f***, i may be socially inept, but i can tell when i have a crush. why do i have a crush. why. why. it doesn’t make sense to me at all logically. why would i like him at all? i thought i hated him. i thought i thoguth he was a creep. i thought i thougth that i wanted him to back off. i thought i thought HE was doing the chasing and liking, not me. this is not like me. so yeah, i’m a loser. my first kind of love encounter is thwarted by my weird socially awkward behavoior. blech. i dont’ think i still have come to turns that i really do like this guy now, the guy i used to think i hate and whatever. it just feels so impossible tome. i guess i’m just desperate to find smoeone who loves me and for a boyfriend. i think there’s no other adjective to describe this situation other than to make a whole new word, the word being my name. which i will not say now.
i am patheticcccccccccccccc