i was getting ready for everything in my whole life. the decisions, the feeling, everything is already set up for this type of situation which is why i always feel like im in my safe space. later this afternoon, i was thinking a lot about grief and like usual, i was getting ready for it. i started to imagine what it would be like to stand infront of the coffin of a family member. that moment it just felt numb for me, like i never had the chance to maybe atleast tear up just by thinking about it. it felt so inhuman to me, i got sick. even up until now i still cant imagine myself mourning for someone so much and losing a part of me. i might feel the pain once its right in front of my eyes or maybe my heart’s numb from all the pain i had to put up to since i was just a child. who knows.