I feel like a void.
I have no one to turn to because my friends won’t understand why Ive stopped hiding my true narcissistic and verbally abusive from them.
My family will only think I’m a selfish b****.

And the one person I truly love is now hospitalized and I won’t be able to see her for 3 days.

I want to cry but I just feel empty, I can’t empathize with friends, the only person that I felt happy and warm around is gone, and my friends now have ignored or stopped talking to me.

They’ve stopped talking to me because I’ve stopped acting like the class clown that I just acted like so that no one would see my real feelings towards people.

It’s my senior year and this makes Ive kept up for so long is slowly ripping and showing through.

It’s showing of how I think of them as idiots and that I’m the superior one.

It’s showing that I could care less about their problems and depressing episodes

It showing that I have an ultimate hatred towards them that if I could without being called out, I’d lash out all the names I’ve called them behind their back and how they put themselves in problems and that they shouldn’t move around and cry about it, it’s their fault.
But what I resent the most about them is that I try to do everything to make their lives easier, they just ignore my problems as Jokes.
It’s probably because of how I’ve acted like the class clown for so long but still, if they can use me like that, I’m allowed to use them for gifts and other s***.
And even when I try to comfort them on their situations, when ever I have my own personal problems, they ignore me.

I have to sob out loud for ONE PERSON to finally f****** noticed and then they ask me if i want them to comfort me.
WHY F****** ASK THAT?! It now feels like my problems are a burden to you and now I don’t even feel comfortable discussing them to you.
So I say no and cry to myself in the bathroom.

One time, we were all sitting down and everyone was quiet because I wasn’t making the occasional joke but why should I have to initiate the convo.

Anyways, I got up and asked to go to the bathroom, when I came back, everyone was talking but AS SOON AS I F****** SIT DOWN

Silence

I started to slowly cry and it took 15 minutes for one person to notice and ask me that damn f****** question, to which I said no because I don’t want to burden her with my emotions

And today we were talking in a seminar and she brings up the fact that “some people just cry for attention and then when someone offers to help, they say no”

And I feel like that was a attack at me of how I don’t let people in.

If I were too, they’d just use it against me , just like how everyone does!

So I was pissed and I jus felt rage but luckily I didn’t show it.
So I’ve kinda just stopped giving a s*** about their emotions.
I don’t care if they are going to through something serious.
I won’t help them out with anything
I don’t even want to hear their problems now

It’s annoying

Am I a bad person?

Because I really care for only 3 people (my gf, my baby niece, and my hamster)

But the rest can all choke and be tortured and I couldn’t care any less.