Sometimes it’s hard to find the right words to say. But;
I wish things were different and I wish you were right for me.

Spending time with you just proves to me that you’re not.
You’re clueless and frankly hopeless without me. If i hadn’t pushed you to be where you are now you would be 30 years old and still working at the cinema, as floor staff.

I just want you to know that I can’t stand by you your whole life, holding your hand and directing you where to go.
Mostly because it’s not healthy for you and seriously not healthy for me. I think you’re smart enough to realise that all the problems we have stem with my over involvement in your life. Those are my mistakes but I met you when I was 16 and you were 24 and it was easy for me to push you around because you were afraid of what I might do when I got upset.
You’ve always been afraid and that’s also been a huge problem.
I always knew that we would probably never last.
I wish things were so different.
I wish you acted like you wanted me.
You say you’re still afraid but I’m 20 now and you’ve consistently been stagnant.
Sometimes I feel like I can’t leave you because I know that for a long time without me you’ll be lost.
Seriously lost. And so will I.
But I would be better. I think I was the best thing that ever happened to you.
And you can’t even see that.
S** has always been hard for us.
I was 16 and a s***** deviant and that made you uncomfortable.
We could have been so great if you hadn’t forgotten about me.
We could have been so great if you didn’t abandon me at the airport that time that you begged me to move back home.
It was from then that things changed. Even though I knew a part of us had died I continued on because I was 17 and in online school and had no friends and wanted to keep my job at the theatre.
I hate myself for not leaving you then. But you’re so good and being good when we’re bad.
Even today after I told you for probably the 50th time that we’re over you came through you came through to go with me to a doctors appointment and you made my bed for me and you were nice to me.
But I am a fool if I fall for that again.
I am a fool for wanting you still for wanting you to still love me.
But you could never love me fully because you are just inadequate. Simply put. And it’s not that I’m better or worse than you or whatever the f*** its just that we’re different. So similar so similar though that it could work if I wanted it to but I truly don’t and it’s so hard for me not to get sucked back into it. I mean we’ve seen each other everyday since I told you it was over and it was because I called for you. I’m sure if i hadn’t you would’ve left me be.
The biggest problem is our intimacy because I know it’s not genuine. It’s easy for me to deny that truth when I want to be wanted to badly. I keep thinking like I just need to take a chance take a risk do something wrong, but I live by such a strong moral code I don’t want to hateful I don’t want to be untrue I don’t want to be unfaithful.
I love you I really do and you see me for who I am. You see me as the angry f****** autistic idiot b**** that I am and you also see my candor.
I don’t know that I’ll ever find someone better than that but don’t I owe it to myself to try to find it?
Don’t I owe it to myself to be able to shop around?
I don’t know.
I saw an old flame the other day the day I broke up with you and it was exhilarating, just you know out in public. I didn’t seek them out but it was like the universe was calling me towards them.
Feeling those thoughts makes me feel wrong and right at the same time.
I was 14 when the first man violated me.
But I guess that’s not true since my father abused me all my life.
I don’t trust many people and I don’t even trust you because you hav let me down so much and often.
You just forget about me.
You forget about me in our most intimate moments and blame it on libido.
That’s such a joke because you have no problem getting up you just have a problem returning the favor.
Now that you’re almost 30 and you’ve found a job that’ll take you towards the right path I’m worried that you’re going to stop trying.
And basically you have already. You’re too comfortable.
Too comfortable with your job that pays $20 an hour where you get to sit and look at a screen all day.
Sure it’s more than that I’m trying to be fair here, but you just don’t seem to have any drive or ambition left and I’m worried that i’ve pushed you all that I can. I can’t really carry the weight of your emotional stress on my back anymore because I have to worry about my own.
It’s time I think for myself for once because you didn’t ask for me to take over your life and it wasn’t fair of me to do so.
Do you think I’m a monster? Are you only with me because you feel bad for me or you’re afraid to move on too? I don’t know because you wont say.
If you’re still reading this let me apologize for all this menial sappy f****** s*** because at the end of the day it really doesn’t matter.
I am a grown woman and I can do what I want but it’s hard when you try and calculate ever move to such a particular T.
I just don’t want to f*** up I just want to be safe.
But you’ve never made me feel that way.
Hell you’re afraid of a bug in your house.
How could you ever take care of me?
I need a real man. I’ve gotten you halfway there but you have to do the rest of the work and if I don’t leave you now you’ll never get there. But if I leave you you might never get their either? So f*** I just don’t know.
I have to stop worrying about you
and start worrying about myself. but worrying about you could also improve myself. you have done a lot for me… in your own way.
I know I can’t control the variables but I so f****** want to.
Anyways I haven’t had an o***** in months.
Even though we have s** regularly.
So that s****.
Maybe it’s me.
Maybe i’m too needy but I’ve made a lot of sacrifices and I’ve been through a lot of s*** and all I’m asking for is some g******* recognition like f***.
You can’t just scratch my back just because?
You don’t think.
It’s honestly like your head is empty sometimes.
You act like such an idiot.
It’s embarassing
and messy
and you live with your f****** mom
who is a b****
but you’re also a b**** to her so
f***.
I need to move on, please pray that I can do it
I almost want to go back to that pizza shop where I saw that guy I knew from high school and get his number. He’s hot and down to earth but you and I are by no means resolved so alas I must wait. Im such a stupid b**** f****** pray for me even though none of this matters and god isn’t real.
Oh well universe
Who will win this one? You or me? because I keep ignoring your signs. This wont defeat me but it might set me back a while. Just hope I don’t get pregnant because i will definitely put it up for adoption and f****** ghost you.
anyways f*** idk
i might not do that
but id ghost you because you’d be a terrible father. ok
im done good bye for now
– o