Being Honest about Depression for Once
I have had depression for a good sum of my life, and to this day I am not sure if there will be a day when its gone for good. It’s chronic, and comes in waves some stronger than others. It feels life your a sail boat getting tossed around by emotions, life circumstances and thoughts. I thought a lot about dying when I was in high school but when I went to college it took a turn for the worst. I never thought that I would have to set nets for myself like setting aside the suicide hot line in case my anxiety clouded my judgment. Everyday was hard, I didn’t want to get out of bed, I wouldn’t eat, I never left my room, I was exhausted all the time, and at night I suffered from insomnia. My mind never stopped unless I took something to make me sleep. My typical night is staying up thinking until 4 am and then staring at the ceiling waiting since the sun would start to rise, my alarm would go off at 7 am and I would have class at 8.
When I told my family about my depression and suicidal thoughts no one really believed me in high school. A few months ago my mother said “I thought you got over it” as if depression was an exam that I was anxious about, like it came and passed years ago.
That’s probably what broke me more, since then I don’t really talk about my depression or thoughts with anyone, when I am genuinely asked I am honest and say “yeah, I think about dying sometimes” or “I have been suicidal for the last 5 months” and continue on without giving much explanation because for a long time no one really listened. My family, doesn’t really understand as well as that they are not going to help me even if I told them that I don’t think I will make it to graduation next semester.