My Nan died suddenly 6 months ago last Saturday and i still feel a terrible pain. I’d cared for my Nan for around 3 1/2 (I’m 15 now) years and for years before that she had cared for me when my single mother was at work – trying to support me and herself. For years me and my Nan were as close as you could get to another human being – i adored her and I know with all my heart she thought the world of me. When she became ill me and my mother took her to hospital and sat by her side for 2 and half days before she passed away. It was the middle of the night when we got the call, and when the nurse said the words ‘i’m so sorry for your loss’ my world shattered and it felt like a hole had been punched through my heart. But I could see my mum was losing it, so i gave her my strength, i didn’t cry the whole time my mum, Grandad and me kissed her and said our goodbyes. Then when I was alone at night, i tried to cry and found i couldn’t. I haven’t since, except once, when I heard a sad story and I can’t even remember what it was! Then the dam broke. I sobbed my heart out. I thought it would help but it never did. I still feel shattered, torn, like my heart has been ripped out, torn to pieces and then put back together with sticky tape. I broke. I can’t help myself. I know suicide isn’t the answer, no matter how I feel there is someone else needing my help and assistance before I can help myself. I just think, can I help others to the best of my ability when I can’t help myself? I just need to get closure. And I don’t know how to get that. I’ve tried carrying on with my life like normal, but it doesn’t work. I just need some one to hug me for a change and tell me it’s okay. Just once.