I’m going insane. I just know it. I have a problem and it’s clear.

You see how criminals always seem to hide their crime? That’s what I feel like. I’ve known it for quite sometime and it is definitely hard fighting it every single day. I know most crazy people deny it, but that’s exactly what makes them lose control of their actions. I accept it, and that’s why i don’t stab myself or laugh when nothing is funny.

I tried it once, to deny it, it was awful. I almost told my best friend about this but just before the words were out I started to double think then to deny. I don’t remember much. Well, or course I do, I remember crying, I remember the pain, then forcing out a laugh so long and so forced that no body would have been fooled. I remember throwing stuff at my best friend, yelling at her things that were aimed to myself.

I calmed down pretty much after I told myself that I was really insane. And that’s when I knew that if I wanted to act somehow normal I had to accept it.

It’s still there though, the insanity and my problems in college aren’t really helping there are times when I’m just so afraid and so tired of fighting it that I let it out, start denying again and come to the same conclusion that I am crazy and that would settle me down.

I had to get this off my chest, but there is no way I’m letting anyone I really know find out. They’d think I’m faking it if I tell them or if they find out I’d probably end up in a mental hospital (which I highly doubt help me get better)

My best friend knew of course, after that little incident, but we’ve moved far from them so it’s highly unlikely that we’ll see each other again.

Though I really do not like having to fight this everyday, it’s too painful, too tiring. And if anyone out there can help me, please only try when you’re EXACTLY like me. if you REALLY understand my situation. If you’re just as crazy as I am.

I strongly believe that person is out there. I can’t be the only one like this. Highly unlikely. But then again, maybe that’s just a false hope my insane mind is holding onto so I don’t completely snap.

It feels good to have this out of my chest.