I hate myself. Not because I feel too fat or too ugly but because I am disgusted by the person I became and continue to be. I have a great life with wonderful people around me and yet I am this person who messes around with guys and who is selfish and lazy to accomplish or finish anything. I have been blessed with many things. But I continue to be depressed.. Why? I dont know. My parents divorced when I had turned 13. I had cut myself through middle school because some girls didn’t like me being around their boyfriends. I cut my hair short and was called a Dyke and a Heartless person. This continued into high school where I began to burn myself instead.My first boyfriend was a break from all the bullying and the divorce which my parents would try to get me to go to court against my mom or dad. But he made it worse down the road. It was fine at first but as time went by his jealousy ruled over him and he began to call me names behind my back and used my feelings for him to his advantage to make me quit our team. He is part of my main scar right now. He rewired me to thinking it is ok to do things that werent good for me. To go against my morals and please him to the point of where I was brain washed to like his habits. I gave away my Virginity to someone I barley knew only because I feared that I would lose my first time to him making it easier for him to hurt me again. But S** became a habit that relived my stress for awhile. It calmed me and made me feel more confident. I did it with people I barley knew and that I didn’t care for. But it was unhealthy and there were a few times where I had changed my mind and said no but they continued to do it anyway. Although I was careful most of the time, I had to take the morning pill twice because they would not listen. I had a pregnancy scare during these times too. At school I felt as though I did not deserve anyone. I felt as though I was a S*** and a W**** like my ex would tell people behind my back. I slept with our friends and even with someone who i knew was taken. I messed around with someone who I was accused of stealing many years ago. I am such a horrible person. The things I heard my ex say and the ones he would tell me I would start to believe. When I became in charge of a club me him and I were apart of I was depressed because I knew he wanted it too and I felt unworthy because he told me so. And a few days ago he texted me sayng he was sorry and I forgave him a long time ago because there was no point in blaming him for something I put myself into. And ever since he did that all of my feelings from school rushed back into me and I find myself crying almost every other night wondering what is wrong with me and how could someone as lucky as me feel as though I am the worst person who as ever existed? I cannot tell anyone because Im afraid that they will think the same way. I tell parts to my best friends but never the full story because I feel like I cannot worry them. Same with my parents and family. All of them think so highly of me and yet they know nothing of what I did or continue to do. I feel disgusted when I see these guys on Facebook who are happy and who have a girlfriend from before and one who has one now who are my friends too. No one knows them like I do and I feel disgusted by them because they act like nothing happened and that it was ok. But overall I am disgusted with myself for letting it be this way. For taking this too far. The last guy Ive been leaving marks on just incase they have a girlfriend so that their true colors will shine. I am scarred by men and I have never once had a decent boyfriend. I hope that one day I will and that he can accept the person I was. But I doubt I will. I barely want myself.I mean who wants a w**** after all? I needed to rage my feelings and thoughts somewhere so someone can see.Since i cant tell anyone Im hoping someone can at least know part of my story. The idea seems less lonely in a way. If you are reading this, thank you for reading till the end…….