Two days ago I almost did it: I nearly killed myself.

My family was downstairs fighting/arguing (our favorite weekend pastime, other than ignoring each other), and I decided I’d had enough. I looped my favorite belt around my neck. I flipped the other end over the bathroom door. I tried to get as high up off the floor as I could, using my free hand’s fingertips and my toes while closing the door with the other hand.

Then–I let go. Stars in my eyes. Heart in my ears. Tears on my face. I remember seeing a spider in the corner, wondering if he was watching. The release was so delicious; I finally did it, I thought–I finally succeeded in something. Then the world went black. Peace came, but it was fleeting.

I woke up in a heap on the floor, belt still around my neck, head pounding, family still shouting about not having permission to set off fireworks the previous night. As I came to, I realized that I failed yet again: my paunchy, middle-aged, fat-slathered body was too heavy, and the belt had slipped out from between the door and its frame. I was so angry and so sad all at once as it became clear I couldn’t even succeed at THIS.

So I’ve decided I need a more reliable method, and it occurred to me I might be able to finally leave this godforsaken world while still making it better for those who still want to be here. A gun–nothing so big it passes through my head, so a 9mm (and my motorcycle helmet, just in case it does). Go to the E.R. Check in with some ironic excuse about having been riding my motorcycle and getting light-headed, and while I’m waiting for the E.R. doc, put on the helmet and scramble my brains with a shot between the eyes (since I read that your lungs are rendered useless if you shoot yourself through the roof of your mouth, since you aspirate the blood). Then I can only hope they keep me alive long enough to find out I’m an organ donor, and then harvest the pieces of me worth keeping, so at least my life will have meant something to someone…even though I will never know who they are.

Wonder if I’ll see stars next time.