Another fight tonight but I am not bothered, since I have no emotions left for him. I am actually happy to be able to sleep in a different bed. It feels so nice not to be next to him. I can breathe a little. I kind of knew we are done after we had our first girl. There is nothing deep about him. My life is logistics. Take children, go shopping, see friends, have s** (do I really have to?), clean his socks, earn more money. He has no respect for me. He has no idea who I am and honestly I forgot who I am. I miss being in love end being loved. I miss being excited. We hate each other. He takes every chance he can to be away, he doesn’t respect my time, sadness is not allowed…anger is not allowed (well maybe his own).
I am no longer sad we are fighting, I am not hurt by his words or realization I am not loved…but I will fall apart in coupe of days when I will be forced to except I have to continue this marriage. I will cry knowing there is no way out and knowing I just have to swallow this new pile of s*** and continue my life on autopilot. I am drowning in myself. I hate when I try to be invisible because otherwise he will be annoyed by me. He feels super annoyed if I ask him to do something for me. Give me a ride. Get me a cup of tea. Make a call for me. He absolutely hates it. Being invisible, emotionless, dead suits him well.
Tomorrow is 8th of March… International women’s day…for it’s a reminder who I used to be, and what I expected from my life. It will be sad silent day where I would hide from people so they wouldn’t notice how far away I am from promises I gave to myself