I can always confirm the depression is creeping in when I lose track of emails. Stupid, I know. But it begins as that avoidance of responsibility, guilt

13 years

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I can always confirm the depression is creeping in when I lose track of emails. Stupid, I know. But it begins as that avoidance of responsibility, guilt for not responding, wondering why I let everything get so out of control. Is there any way out of this? I refuse to take meds and my schedule prevents me from talking to someone. There are reasons I am sad and frustrated. I just don’t know how to solve them.

Top it off with a painful existential crisis, and I am lost for the first time in years. I don’t have a single friend besides my husband. My brother is a junkie and leeches off of my mom. My dad died and he made me promise to take care of them and I am failing. I don’t know what I can do to help, I try to empower my mother to kick him out and my brother to move out. I feel hopeless. Life used to be so wonderful, how has it gotten so out of control? It used to be drugs, drinking, and s**. I have quit all of it. Now it has all manifested in these mostly inane, subdued forms. I just want to GET OVER IT but it is not that easy. It is really hard not to go back to unhealthy behaviors. In this life of unlimited choices, I wish some were made for me. The overwhelming stress of not making a perfect choice. GOD what a joke, my biggest problem is being a perfectionist when there are actually people out there with REAL problems. Depression is a f****** joke and my life must be really hilarious. /immaturity

New Confession

taking a shower with my dad in the celler after work , i said to him dad you are soo much larger than me can i touch it? yes rub it softly he said i did and it got larger the skin had pulled back he was rubbing my lil one he drew me loser said leanover and s*** it softly , i got excited i was trying to s*** it it was too large, he pulled my headdown and whispered now s*** it son softly no teeth/ i had the head in my mouth he was holdingthe back of my head he was moving it now in my mouth . u like it dont you yes dad alot please let me s*** u daily in this shower? yes but u must empty it first u need to emoty it u understand? u must swollow it all no wasting it. hev was moving in my mouth holding my headb gaging me now. then a large amount of was cream leaked in my mouth he held my head tight i was gagging hesaid swolow it all now your my lil, botch now arent you u need it dont you.. i mumbled yes dad please let me do this every day,he said a few times a weekyour sister needs her turn also. i fraked out you mean lil kimmey does this to you also, ys and shes very greatfull if i lick her lil p**** to. oh god id lve to also lick her. shewll s*** u soon will u like that , id die firtat dad thank you, u like to watch us dad?yes no fooling arround without me here u understand, oh i promise dad ii knelt and sucked his c*** for him, again,

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