I’m in a hospital room. Three days ago I was so depressed at being alone, I tried to castrate myself.

I love her, I will always love her. What hurts to my bones is that she still loves me, she tells me all the time, but she is so bipolar that her mood fly all over the place, and it’s impossible to have a steady consistent relationship with growth. And I’m the one who won’t jump back in, for better or worse. But I just don’t have the heart for anyone else and I’m tired of crying, tired of the emptiness, tired of her communicating with me like there’s no issue between us, and that we’ll be ok in the long run.

To what end? I can’t see happiness, ever. So I tried to get rid of what produces the hormone that makes me love, desire. I wasn’t successful,I just put a really large gash in my scrotum and cut some blood vessels and tubes, i had a couple
surgeries and finally got moved to a regular room. No psych hold or anything, I told them a b******* story about an accident with my xacto while cutting a stencil. I’m worse off with no resolution. How can I chemically castrate myself?