13 years
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Alright. So I’ve been with this guy for almost a year. Our relationship has been unhealthy at best. Early on in our relationship, I had s** with two different guys. Months later, I went to a concert and made out/danced on guys. Recently, after a one day break up, I made out with some random guy and tried to have s** with him, just to get some emotional revenge. I justify my past actions by either lying to myself and convincing myself the instances never happened, or reason its what he deserves due to all the cruel things he has said or done to me.
What bothers me though, is that I promise him, I swear on everything I never once cheated on him. Never even wanted to touch another guy. The emotional abuse coupled with something of a s** addiction still eats away at me. Sometimes, the cheating makes me feel better, in control. I smirk while we fight, kind of like the satisfaction of “I know something you don’t know.” The thing is, he promises me he never once cheated. Swears on everything. Which makes me think, if I’m holding this back, could he? Reasonable enough, he’s a drug addict with various mental disorders, he acts impulsively and I have caught him in multiple lies. I know if its revealed that either of us cheated, our relationship would be over. And its so scary. I never felt this way towards another human being. I’m not the person I used to be before I met him. I love him, and I’m sorry and pathetic and cheap. It doesn’t help he threatened to kill me if he ever found out that I did something like that.
I wish someone would grow a pair, and we could both admit we fucked eachother over, and move on with our f****** lives.
But I can never be sure.

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