My boyfriend is Muslim and I am not. He is dating me behind his parents back, and he has a circle of Muslim friends that he loves and they don’t know about me. It feels like he is living two lives. He knows a lot about his religion and has studied the Quran in such depth it’s impressive. He is not perfect and does not go to the mosque often and I don’t think he prays every day but he tries now and then. He claims to be Muslim and has studied under Muslim scholars and he’s a part of “Muslim twitter” and wants to end up with a hijabi girl, but he’s been saying lately that he doesn’t want us to be temporary. He doesn’t want to leave me, and knows I feel the same. I cannot express this to him, but I kind of resent him a little. Just a little. I see him retweet religious things and like posts about striving to be a better Muslim even though you’re not perfect etc etc, but he has had several s** partners (me included) and is very… let’s just say, he does not live a “God-honoring” life. I suppose if he studies the Quran and tries to keep its word in mind and live by it the best as he can, he is doing well in his eyes. I suppose I get that; being religious but not perfect, sinning while acknowledging your sins. It is better than most, in a religious persons eyes, you are at least better than the majority. But… I honestly do not like organized religion very much, as I believe if God exists and is loving then he will forgive us for being flawed and will judge us based on character. He has even told me that is what Islam teaches. Something like me not wearing a hijab should not keep me from being with someone I love. Nobody would be able to tell if I am Muslim or not otherwise. If I were exactly myself but wore cloth over my head, his parents and community would accept me. Explain that? I could have rough s** with him and do drugs with him like I do now but a piece of cloth would make me acceptable to everyone around him. I could drink and eat pork and kiss him after as I do now and nobody would know, nobody would dare ask because I wore a hijab. I kind of hate it. I love him terribly, but I lose a bit of respect for him knowing he is having s** with me and lying to his family on one hand, and on the other won’t marry a woman that doesn’t wear hijab. If he gets to pick and choose which things he doesn’t abide by, can’t his wife? That’s why I believe he cares more about the appearance of religiousity. He has dated many other girls without hijab behind his families back. I empathize somewhat because people (and his family!) would judge him for dating someone like me openly, but… I don’t know. I have many emotions. He has also stated the hijab is “s***” because it represents something to him, the type of woman he’d want to marry. How can he say this, and act as if he is still hoping for his perfect Muslim wife, as if this relationship is temporary … and yet tell me he doesn’t want it to be and to be positive about our relationships future? I am confused. I need to know the nature of this. We both love each other and work very well together. Were like a normal healthy couple in every other aspect except this. We work on communication when things are frustrating, we spend nearly every day together, we talk about the future like we’ll be in each other’s, we buy each other gifts and hang out with my family like he’s here to stay. What makes a hijab so profound? I am genuinely curious. Modesty? Being humble before god? Why then, do some hijabi women wear extreme makeup similar to p*** actresses with fake lashes and plumped lips, if it is to draw attention away from oneself? I am not a hateful person but these things bother me sometimes. It doesn’t make sense.
