I admit I have made dangerous rash and hasty decisions based on slurred temper and delayed seething anger that I have later regretted. and I have acted in response to fear and ended up further in the mud where I did not want to be. I have chased knowledge and things get darker sometimes before they get better.
people say “don’t make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings” but some of my feelings are energized by my fears that I am being mad fun of by people or men or society as a whole.
I feel like no one is listening to me and no one is on my side.
my heart is broken that I can’t seem to find a nice man or have what I want out of life. I have no friends and gave up a double degree, and a few other courses in spite of myself.
I feel like I am will always slip into negative paths unless someone does not help me. if someone does not take my side and help me my sister is going to end up killing me.
she has destroyed my life and I hate her and you would too if she blinded you and left you to be raped and abused. you would feel that way too.
she is stopping every man I like from loving me.
everytime I meet a man who is just perfect for me she sets against me.
I felt it again today with a kids book that had “rosie and someone” on it with yellow all over it. I don’t know if its ken carey (who wears yellow) who is doing this but its got to stop because I just don’t like him. I hate him in a way that is so different to my resentment to William, just as my resentment towards Diana is very different to magda . its not a parallel at all. they are separate people an separate issues.
if you had a man physically r*** you and use you when its not what you wanted you would feel the same way. ken raped me for joyce so joyce would get a guy instead of me or she was playing games. much the same way they got my sister to get bill to abuse me as a child. its all a plan of murdering me off so nice men will not like me and it keeps me down in the gutter where they want me so I am no competition for them.
It just has to stop. I will never love ken. I just wish it had never happened. I didn’t plan to be with him. I did not take change of clothes and I hated the whole experience.