I have a suicide playlist.
It’s utterly stupid, just a playlist with songs about depression or suicide or that I associate with these things because of how they sound but it’s kinda soothing to listen to and fantasize about how there’s always a way out if everything gets too much.
Now I’m not gonna off myself because a suicide affects about 6 people intimately on average which is 6 people whose heart I’d break, maybe some more, maybe some less, but either way people would be devastated and I don’t want that. But I also can’t talk about this to anyone anymore. It was all fine and easy when the thoughts were less serious but now that they’re more persistent I’m almost physically unable to talk about them. There’s one person I wanna show this playlist to but it would be unfair on them to tell them about all of this for several reasons that I can’t go into. And as long as I can’t tell them I don’t wanna tell anyone, plus I don’t want people to worry about me. And it still seems absolutely ridiculous because it’s still just a stupid playlist and I donr even know why I make such a big deal out of it.