then like this demon was following me around and I started putting a butchers knife under my pillow after someone broke into the house. it was typically that ghosty cold feeling and I lost it when I found out that bill had died from a blow to the head and a large cut. I started to worry about the butches knife if it was used to kill someone. they were talking about doing an autopsy and were a bit suspicious about bills death. then its like people playing mind games on me. I gained weight I lost weight and then I gained more weight. still no nice boyfriend to ask me out. my brother got married and my sister got married again!

then I started remember things from 1975. and faces flashed past me and I started recalling peoples faces. it was bugsy and that woman who bashed me at the station when I was on my own traveling to university. I have no idea what they wanted or why they were bashing me. then someone tried to steal my wallet.

I am sick of people bashing me. no wonder I stay in my room and read or listen to music over and over and over or movies . yet I am told I would not be good mother material but its funny how I am usually the one left holding other peoples babies while they party on hard. I used to look after my younger cousins take them to ice skating shows and fun parks and to fireworks fun things. I never shut them out like my older cousins did to me. always baby sitting when I wanted to go out and have fun myself.

working over lunch breaks for doctors and cleaning. struggling through expensive courses for diplomas and degrees .