I think life expects too much of me. I have friends, and people that love me, a counselor (on the college campus) that just tells me to meditate every meeting to help anxiety. I still feel out of reach. Like I’m drowning and struggling thrashing out, but inevitably I’ll be crushed by the pressure. I honestly don’t think I am meant to exist. Because I’m really sensitive to the pain that’ll come from ending my own life, that keeps me tethered here but I just want to be released. I can’t say this s*** out loud without sounding like a self absorbed idiot. I just want people to understand that it really is a lot of s***. Only I can deal with it, everyone needs to go about their lives and take care of themselves, and I’m in the way.
I’m even in the way of myself.

I wasn’t given the tools for it, to deal with not having a choice over my body since I started forming sentences until teens. I’ve blocked it out until college, and sought help, talked to so many. That’s not the only thing tho, believe it or not I’m pretty functional. But I need to strive above and beyond to stay out of a toxic home that always draws me back. I’m safe now at college. But it’s coming. And really it’s like I’m swimming in molasses and can’t quite catch to all of you.

I’m grateful for the experiences, to have been loved by someone truly amazing with a beautiful giving soul. If I could come back I would meet all of you again. You have each other. It hurts me when you hurt, and I really hope you can find love in someone stronger.

So I guess I’ll prob peace out sometime soon. I know this is anon but it helps to get it off my chest.