My first and only boyfriend I have ever had raped me. I never told anyone because he got into my head that he was the only one that would ever love me and at that young age it was how I felt. My family life sucked being the only girl with parents who never paid attention to their kids if they didnt play sports. I truly felt alone in the world. So i never told anyone because i was afraid that he’d stop loving me stop paying attention to me if i told someone what he was doing. I never wanted it but I wanted to feel like someone cared about me as well. So I always felt like it was my fault. Eventually things happened and I never saw him again but I was never able to function in friendships or possible relationships because I didnt know how to love people properly and if i thought they might love me i was afraid of what i would owe them in return for their love. To be honest though, he wasnt the only person to mess me up mentally. My parents play a part in it as well. During, around, and shortly after the incident with my ex my mother was on meds for ms that made her aggressive. I was the one she took it out on most. She would hit me and call me the neighborhood s***. Mind you I only ever had s** with one person and it was unconscensual. I know she didnt know about it but calling your 15 year old daughter the neighborhood s*** doesn’t really help with her self esteem nor mental issues she’s going through. Shes off the meds now later in life but its something I can never forget nor truly forgive. It breaks me but part of me hates her. My father, I love my father but I also hate him as well. My father thinks my family should never have an attitude, a bad day, or be upset. He doesn’t think we should have real emotional feelings. He gets pissed when we get upset over something no matter what it us because our live aren’t “bad enough” to be emotional. I tell him everyone is entitled to a bad day. His way of thinking causes me to bottle up my issues, making me not want to talk about them because I “shouldn’t be having them.” It’s not just his views on emotions I disagree with it’s his views on women as well. My father is sexist. And I hate him for it. The way he talks about women makes me feel terrible. Makes his own daughter feel insignificant and little. Right now in the news is the kavanaugh case and my father’s opinion is if you waited that long to come out as a s******* assaulted victim than you obviously weren’t assaulted and enjoyed it. How can I ever even dream of telling them what happened to me when all I can think about is my mother calling me the neighborhood s*** and my fathers view on women and their ellgiged attacks. What would they say to me….would they blame me like he’s blaming the women in the media right now. Ever day I feel less and less whole. Like I’m becoming less of myself. I’ve dropped out of college because I lost interest in everything. I have to drag myself out of bed just to go to work. I feel miserable every single day of my life for the past nine years. My family, my secrets, my hurt is eating me alive. Sometimes I want to end it all but I’m more afraid of death than the pain I’m living in. I wonder when the day will come when that’s switched around.
