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I just got off the plane in Tokyo, im not sure if they felt it (my family & friends) or maybe my mom did, but unless they shell out the money to travel here the airport is probably the last time they will ever see me. You see, I’m not normal, I feel like complete s*** over the reality that I could be so selfish and s***** however, everyone in this world has their paradise, a place in this world where they want to be as if it’s your own parallel universe. Rewind some years ago, I was stationed in Japan while in the military, I did all 20 yrs, I spent over half of my career between Japan and Korea only going to Korea as a means to get back to my home sweet home of Tokyo(I despised the Koreans btw, just saw them as rude, discourteous animals) . Anyway, take one bad assignment and a personnel f*** up beyond my control, I lose my assignment and get sent back to the states after years of living overseas (13.5 to be exact) without even taking leave to the states, ever, it was my WORST nightmare! I never felt so isolated and alone, I couldn’t cope, I was a complete stranger in my own country, with best friends and a long time lover half a world away I became angry and disgruntled, a toxic p************. Not long after, my job performance began to slip but I didn’t give a s***( I did logistics for fighter aircraft and didn’t give a s*** what happened if something got scewed up), all I could obsess about was going back to Japan and leaving “hell”, my nickname for America, it was as if there was something new that disgusted me about the country and the people everyday. A couple years passed at my “new” base and I began to notice That I was passed up on every overseas assignment cycle, I just sat watching my peers faces light up as they received emails congratulating them on their new assignments as I stayed behind and rotted. My job performance lapsed even further as my anger and rage grew uncontrollably, to the point that I was removed from my position by my commander and direct supervisor and given a desk and computer in a poorly lit hardly used hangar, but still, I didn’t give a s***, I just sat back like the p************ that I was and collected a paycheck and benefits I didn’t earn. After a couple more yrs, the light finally came at the end of the tunnel, retirement! I said all of jack s*** to my unit, I out processed and got the f*** out of there , leaving the folded flag and all that memorabilia b******* that is customary for retirements in the trash next to my former desk, I even threw my uniform away in the men’s bathroom trash on my last day at work, whistling happily as I did it, it was all so fast, all I really remember from
this experience was just buying my plane ticket and leaving the country, a huge chunk of my years in the states is nothing but a blank, It’s only been a few weeks since I retired and I can’t even recall anyone I worked with yet I remember the people I left behind in Japan like yesterday. I feel like a p************ for what I did, I wasted a huge chunk of my career being angry yet in the end I could have used that time as an opportunity to be productive, however I was smart enough to get my degree mind you, though it was the same result, no recollection or memory of anyone I went to school with instructors and all. I hope I can recapture the same happiness I had when I first arrived, lord knows I sacrificed what could have been a prosperous career which could have saw me return to Japan in a better position had I took the initiative to get promoted and do my f***** job! I feel like complete s*** for all the people I hurt or let down over my own selfishness. I not only let myself down, but my family, friends, team mates, country and the tax payers as well. Basically, the very people that would look to me in that uniform for answers if need be, but little did they know they were talking to a p************, I feel embarrassed for them that they’d even depend on me in a time of adversity only to be let down or possibly get killed because of me. Anyway fast forward to now, though I had that constant dread, it all turned to whispers then Silence as if none of this ever happened as soon as I walked off the plane as if it was a dream, that’s how I know I’m not normal as I stated earlier, the sheer relief of these first couple hours back stole any care I had about the last several hell years I experienced or the people I hurt or let down. Well atleast I’m still young, in great shape and getting a check for the rest of my life, plus the degree I didn’t pay for. Oh well, I tried to care, the beer at this izakaya down the street from the airport is pretty strong and I’m beginning to forget even more. I just wanted to get this off my chest so atleast all my selfishness and insecurities can be laid bare and remembered forever even though my selfish one track mind will forget. Im just glad my longtime girlfriend will never know the p************ that I was or the embarrassment and discredit I’ve brought upon self and country. People; as a side note, not everyone who joins the military does so for righteous reasons, many of us have demons and use the military’s erratic and fast pace lifestyle to escape ourselves, when I look back it was never about country or service, well self service anyway, I was just looking for a new place to exist and bury my demons. Think twice before you walk up to a random service member and “thank them for their service” chances are if they’re dipshits like me, they don’t care and merely smile so you can get out of their faces. Sorry for the long rant but I had to say what needed to be said. I hope you understand, I’m not well and I know it, been like this for years However atleast, I know my triggers and being in the states is definitely the nuclear red button for my psyche, atleast here I know my mind functions well eve. Under stress or duress, I just don’t know what it is about the states and the people there that drive me into a blinding rage.

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I spent a lot of quality time over coffee with my MIL. We talked about anything under the sun for hours. Usually when my wife went out shopping or for lunch with her 2 sisters. One day she seemed abnormally quiet and when i asked what was on her mind she said that she was worried i would leave her daughter because she had heard from the other 2 that my wife had shut down s** in our marriage. She said that she knew i loved my wife but that it was clouding my judgement to accept a marriage witbout s**. I got pretty down about hearing the quiet part out loud at all even worse from my MIL who i had great trust in and respect for. She said that while she knew she should think of her daughter first she worried because she knew that i turned a blind eye to the topic and that she was also aware from the other two that my wife was making snide remarks about me m***********. She said she knew me well enough to know that i would never seek an affair but feared that that made me too vulnerable. As the conversation unfolded i admitted that i had considered paying for s** and she implored me to not do that because of risk of disease. Sad as it was i told her that my biggest reason for avoiding it was that all i would want from an e***** would be to be held and talked to while i masturbated but even then it would feel pathetic and lonely and i would not get the fulfillment of knowing i had given pleasure to someone else. She said she understood and we conversationally moved on to other topics.

Weeks went by and it did not come up again but we were rarely alone. But i should have expected she would bring it up again when the moment and privacy allowed. It was more embarassing for me because she said that one of my sisters in law told her that my wife had been making comments that i was being moody and quiet and that i should probably go to a h***** or j******* or something. I was actually angry about the fact that it was being talked about between the women and my MIL said that she got that but what i should be angry about was that my wife showed such disrespect and disregard to shame me to others especially her family. I had to admit she was right and she told me that both her other daughters had agreed to stop listening when my wife made such comments and to tell her to knock it off. I told her i felt really embarassed because this also meant that my SILs’ husbands doubtless knew my situation and all the comments as well. More weeks went by. The sisters go out shopping and my MIL and i are at her table again talking around the topic and she said the issue was not going to go away. I told her i got that but that there was no changing the situation. She left to go to the bathroom and when she came back as we talked about other things she eventually called me out on having been looking at her cleavage in the neck of her robe. I was so ashamed and tried to apologize but she actually laughed and told me to shut up because she had deliberately been showing her cleavage because she felt i deserved to get a peek at a woman occasionally. Then she did not say another word just looked at me and of course i could not stop looking now. It was not like she had huge breasts but the neck of the robe was open very low. I could not speak at all. She reached to the neck of her robe and pulled it more open and lower. All i could do was keep looking despite how awful i felt about what i was doing. She shrugged the robe off her shoulders revealing her breasts down almost to the n****** and by now i was so nervous and paralyzed sitting there trembling. She smiled at my facinated staring and thanked me fo4 the compliment. We sat there for what seemed forever until she spoke my name to get my attention, and just smiled and nodded at me and told me to not deny myself. Feeling so helpless and pathetic did not stop me from reaching under the table as i sat across from her and opening my pants to touch myself under the table. I was lost, slowly stroking myself as i stared at her breasts and sometimes able to look her in the eye. She told me to take my time and enjoy the view and what i was doing. She could tell when i was getting close, telling me to relax, to let it happen, and when she untied her robe and allowed it to fall off her shoulders and breasts completely i lost it and grabbed the edge of the table so tightly as my other hand milked my pleasure out of me. It was so emotional when she placed her hand on mine on the table edge as i moaned and emptied my desperate lust. When my contractions ended she continued to hold her hand on mine as i caught my breath. All i could do was look at her as she smiled, letting me keep looking as she sat there casually bare breasted and smoking a cigarette, eventually even lighting one for me then going to get me a washcloth then sat back across from me as i sheepishly cleaned myself and closed my pants and my face burned as she giggled as i cleaned my puddle off the floor under the table. She just watched as i rinsed the washcloth nervously and sat back down unable to even look at her. She reached over and stroked my cheek and told me to stop overthinking it. Then she asked me to not talk and to just listen. She told me to not read too much into this, but that it was something that yes felt like a betrayal of her daughter but that it was actually one of my SILs that had the idea and the other one convinced her it was a solution to the problem. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die but she made me promise to try to not be embarassed or ashamed and that the three of them (MIL and both SILs) were on my side so to speak. Otherwise there was no need to overtalk or overthink it whatsoever. Over the next months it happened regularly, my SILs simply told me the next time i saw them that they would never treat me badly but that i needed to be braced for the occasional discreet teasing about it in subtle private ways. The first few repeats were only at my MIL’s initiation, she would simply look at me across the table and smile at me and i would pleasure myself as she slowly bared her breasts. She was never impatient nor made me feel like it was a chore. She slowly began to ramp things up over time. I was so turned on by how she would sit there holding my eyes with hers smoking as i stroked myself. I felt like i would pass out the first time she told me to give it to her, to c u m for her. I obeyed as if hypnotized when she told me to stand up and let her watch. She always made it exciting every time. She started to seductively stroke her breasts as i did so. She started sitting close and eventually put my free hand in her breast. Eventually made a new rule that i be naked when i did it for her telling me i owed her the view. I barely kept my balance the first time she had me stand directly in front of her and held her breasts up and told me to milk myself onto them, even casually having a cigarette aftet as she had me clean her breasts with a washcloth. She eventually had me lay on the sofa as she sat across the room and watched me spend hours pleasuring my body for her. Eventually let me lay my head in her lap suckling and nuzzlimg her breasts as i stroked myself. I realized how emotionally addicted to her i was the day i sat at her table after her daughters left and after they left she walked into her own kitchen completely bare and had me follow her to the bathroom so i could touch myself while watching her shower. Even eventually as she lay covered in a bubble bath as i stood looking down at her and as i got close she lifted her torso to let me empty myself onto her wet breasts then had me watch as under the bubbles she pleasured herself while keeping my eyes locked to her eyes. I cherish the day she waited until they left so she could come into her own living room bare and kneel and watch me as i stroked myself for her to watch, then when she knew i was close, stood and took my hand and led me to her bed. She laid back with open thighs and reached up to me and pulled me close, her arms around my shoulders and her legs lockiing around me as i gasped when i entered her as she said it was ok, to just let it happen, we could take our time the next time.

I deeply value the time that both my sisters in law told me how much they cherished me bringing love and passion to their widowed mother’s life. How she had simply wanted to let me feel like a man again but how it had let her feel what a woman longed for again, a true lover for herself as much as her being my lover. After my MIL passed away those two sisters in law and i grieved together. One of them had divorced, and after several weeks tbey both sat me down and told me that she (the divorced one) wanted to fill their mother’s role in my life and i vowed to them both that i would do everything i could possibly do to bring her the joy that i had had with their mother. I am in my 60s now as they are and somehow it is even more fulfilling as time passes and my SIL and i are lovers just as equally as their mother and i were.