I’m f****** sick of everything now tbh.

I’m sick of my workplace. I’m in the military atm, a K9 unit to be exact. Sounds fun yeah? But I’m sick of the toxicity of the environment, sick of the stress of having an unpredictable platoon warrant who seems to enjoy keeping his men on edge all the time, sick of my men under me who are only motivated to give the bare minimum required, even towards the dogs. I’m sick of how all they want to do is play with the dogs but when s*** hits the fan no one is willing to step up and take charge of the situation. I’m sick of how everyone in my section is using me as a shield just because the platoon warrant likes me. I love my own dog as much as I possibly would if I have a kid, but I’m sick of everything else.

I’m sick of worrying. Sick of looking at the crossroad of life and wondering which college, which course after I leave the military, sick of being worried about getting screwed by my boss if my men f*** up. Sick of wondering if I should really follow my dreams or stick to the safe path.

I’m sick of everyone around me. I’m sick of my colleagues tbh. Because I’m in a semi-autonomous unit, that’s pretty isolated, what happens is that my unit, or at least, the individual sections, are pretty well bonded. Unfortunately, my IC, who is stepping down soon, is too lax and fails to enforce discipline and in the end what happens is that my men who are under me love to doing things the shortcut/ by-left way, and when my platoon warrant finds out, my neck will be the head to roll. I have a fellow 2IC who’s pretty much the only guy I can trust and rely on to handle the section, but tbh, he’s tired of everything as well, not that I can blame him for it. If only my men can use their brains a little more when doing things and stop thinking about everything at the moment only because we are the ones answering if anything c**** up.

I’m f****** sick of my life now. Wake up, go to work, return home and use the com for a few hours, drink, sleep, repeat procedure day in, day out. Weekends- sleep, wake up, game, work on my models (I build scale models- figurines and ships). Throw in the occasional overnight prowling duties that I rarely do now due to seniority. And cos I don’t have much friends/ not in a relationship I don’t really have much of a social life, perhaps for the better as well for I hate socializing. I open social media and all I see are the people I follow posting about their social life, where they are, what they are doing and what they are eating and their relationships and I’m reminded of how blank my life is anyway, but I just can’t seem to change it. I know that I am f****** sick of this s*** and I want something more out of it but tbh, I don’t know what I want out of it.

I’m sick of all the stupidity around. Every time I open social media or read the news, all I see are bigoted comments that reflect the seemingly lack of intelligence among humans nowadays. That, and my men under me.

I just want to, I wish I can, just disappear into the countryside and live a simple and solitary life with my dog, away from all the stress, the responsibility, the stupidity, everything, but I can’t, cos of my surrounding and my family and that if I just disappear now it will be considered AWOL.

I sick enough of everything to the point that I feel like ODing on my sleeping pills and ending it all sometimes since I’m not allowed to escape from everything physically anyway. I have a few close friends, but even if I were to tell them all of these they will just brush it away and tell me to find a counselor or a shrink, which is probably not what I need anyway- I doubt I’m depressed, just horrendously sick of everything