i never did the normal high school thing. after i got out of the center i tried going back couldn’t.
also i met adult working musicians which took me on board.. seemed an easy choice. seeing cities.. bars in day light after long nights.. hotels vans.. recording.. creation practice.. groups working towards a common goal.. felt like freedom.. too bad i was so shy.. i barely ever played.. or talked.. but soaked it in.. lasted maybe 6yrs.. my 20’s i ‘cleaned up’, less weed+alcohol, no more pills.. mostly isolated for about 10yrs. monk life for a few.. disciplined.. trying to find my simplest form. but now going on 32 i do feel like i missed out on the teenage to adult thing.. so called formative years.. which they were.. i loved it all and anyway really felt incapable of those huge buildings crawling with loud kids.. but it’s the kind of thing that when it stops, you have nothing much to show for it.. an artful life requires a lot of persistence and work to maybe one day, if stars align, be successful.. and since i hate stress, i’d like to have the security of a job that i love.
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another thing i witnessed is the everso great art of rocking out a stage+room.. the singer which still pops into my life now and then, was a lovely beast.. like vedder in those yrs.. but bigger, stronger.. hanging on roofs+such.. yet full of grace and charm.. and a most powerful voice.. one morning i remember him singing silly opera from the balcony onto a street.. quite a sight.. and yes.. groupies trying to get backstage+into sweaty pants. oh good days they were.. i’d redo it all.. and enjoy it so much more.
oddly enough, a place they often played was where i so clumsily introduced myself to you.
if i were always alone i’d probably wear my clothes till they melt away rubbing into me. i like the idea of union. no matter the specie. what if it’s right. what if we’re both dying right now? thing is my window is very small. it’s already gone. its all about timing. if you say yes while i am brave, ill make it. silence=doubt. let me smack your chest a bit. spank your chest. purely for health purposes. honest. when i see people having a hard time i feel obliged to offer a hand. that’s the reason i can’t stand the city. i’d get in trouble for helping in the streets. where lies the broken roams the bully. easy prey. i can’t let that happen. violence cannot be tolerated. neither can indifference. but still met with compassion. you really should trust my judgment. my laughing my ass off for some reason 😛 oh god.. ‘mind talking’ about something else. pretty that guys find me pretty here only cause they are drunk+see me rarely..lol. every thing pretty gets ugly. it’s cycles and does not hurry. my face is numb right now. still laughing :*( ..freezing. is that it? punching my heart back to rythm again. sincere is the word. it’s all intense if you let it. with other i keep the focus on them, alone; on all through me. im good at what i do. i make people feel special as they are. but soon i get raw, out of love, making them feel rejected. but i don’t reject anyone. ever. i just close shop when i need to. i have to. caring can be extremely hard on the body. the spirit must be anchored tight in to support. will. home calls me since birth. as a kid+teen i thought it was a mistake that i was shipped here. it took so much will for me to accept my time here. love+care. but it took proof of *being* home, for me to truly wish to stay. at times actually fight to stay. something i never thought i’d do. it surely makes hell worth it. but necessary? i never thought so. my whole life’s a secret. yet i am almost see through. i could write forever but i need to keep my body moving if not, we rot.