About five years ago, I started dating my best friend. A year after that, she broke up with me, saying that she loved me but “loved him more”. I was emotional and we got into a fight, and she said that I should have expected her to fall in love with people who are nice to her. We didn’t talk for a year or two after that.
We started talking again, though, eventually. She’s now my best friend and she’s apologized about her words, saying that it wasn’t right to say that and that she wants to do what she can to help me (and I want to help her because she means a lot to me, too). I appreciate what she does for me.
I can’t stop asking myself what I did wrong. She says I didn’t do anything, but if I didn’t do anything, she wouldn’t have left, right? I feel horrible because every time she mentions her roommate (i.e. boyfriend) I have this horrible pain in my chest and stomach. But I don’t bring it up to her because we’ve already talked about my feelings and I don’t want to make her feel like she’s some big, horrible person just because she doesn’t like me that way anymore. It’s gotten to the point that I can’t do or think of certain things because it reminds me too much of the fact that she left.
One of the worst things is that she doesn’t remember our time together, even the happy times.
It’s been years. Why can’t I leave it behind? I just want to be happy for her without feeling like I want to die.