I basically have two “boyfriends” now (long story, but an interesting one). One is my fiance of two years. The other is my ex (who I will refer to as J) from 4 years ago, and the one who took my virginity (and I took his). First, the backstory to help understand the situation:
My fiance (who I will refer to as M) is someone I knew from high school who dated one of my friends I made in the 8th grade. She (who I will refer to as B) and another girl (who I will refer to as C) she was close with at the time, basically became my first actual friends. B and C helped me get through some of my struggles with social anxiety. Around the time when we started freshman year at high school, B started dating M (a junior at the time), and C was still dating the (at this point) junior year guy she met in the 8th grade (which ended horribly later on). I remember at one point telling C that I thought M looked cute. C actually ended up telling M what I said, which made M kinda interested in me. However, due to the both of us having social anxiety, we never talked face-to-face, except for the time I decided to visit C one day and M just happened to show up too. Next school year, sophomore year, M and B were still together, but issues began to arise. M hung out with C one day alone, but to this day I’m still unsure of what exactly happened. Supposedly, from what I heard, C’s relationship was beginning its downfall, and felt emotionally confused. M smoked weed with C because she was upset. C ended up confessing to M that she liked him more than a friend. After word got out, some people claimed they kissed, and few others claimed nothing happened between them. I asked M after we hooked up years later, and M said that C confessed to liking M and tried to do things that made him feel uncomfortable, and he tried to stop from happening. B found it out quickly and became very upset. Both B’s friendship with C and relationship with M began to crumble over the next few months. Eventually, B and M worked it out, but only temporarily. C and B were no longer on good terms. Their group of friends split up, dividing themselves to whoever they supported most. Their once close group of friends, which I always thought to be inseparable, quickly became enemies. The ones who sided with C spread rumours, causing a lot of drama for nearly the rest of high school, as well as twisted the truth to make C seem like the better person. The ones who sided with B spread fewer rumours, battled through the drama for a few months before finally deciding to ignore it altogether, and reformed their group with better people. During the drama ordeal, I occasionally talked to C and B. I became confused as to who I still considered a friend. All I wanted was for them to reunite, but I knew it wouldn’t happen. When M started senior year (and us sophomore), B and M broke up. M was having issues with his aunt and uncle, who he was living with. M later moved to KY to stay with his grandmother and finish high school. M started to message me on Facebook for the first time. At that point in M’s life, he was by himself with literally nothing to do all day. M and I finally started to slowly get to know each other. M developed feelings for me, but kept it secret for the longest time. We grew very close.

Around the start of the drama between C and B, I had met J (my current ex, as mentioned) coincidentally. I lived in some awful apartments with my mom and brother. I didn’t know anyone there. During the summer, J would play with his friends outside. J was dared to try and convince me to go out with him. Why me of all people, I will never know. We talked for a little bit, my social anxiety still pretty bad. J asked me out, and I accepted. Later, J confessed it was a dare. J and I dated for 4 or 5 months. From what J’s dad heard about me, he quickly hated me and thought I was crazy. Soon after I got with J, his dad limited the time we had to hang out, setting strict curfew, and never allowing J to stay at my apartment if I was present. J later broke up with me because his dad told him to. I felt completely distraught, suicidal, and passed out a few times because of how depressed I became. My pain soon faded when I started to get to know a man from Australia. That relationship turned into a nightmare and lasted for nearly 3 years. At one point, I got with J again. This time, the relationship flourished into something special. J got around some of his dad’s “rules” to see me. We became very close and more intimate. Since we were now older, I decided to see what J would think about having s**. We were both virgins, which I made it more special. We continued to have s** for awhile, still in the process of learning with each other. However, we once again came to an end because I was an idiot and found someone I shouldn’t have even bothered to begin with.

Fast forward to now, I am currently in a dilemma with both M and J. I have been through a whole lot with M that helped me blossom into who I am now. I became more mature, philosophical, got over my depression, and learned to be an adult earlier than expected. M helped me get to KY to prevent me from living with my dad, which would have been hell if I had stayed. We ended up getting our own apartment a year into our relationship and took care of a bunch of rats. We transitioned to vandwelling a month before moving back to our hometown. J has been living with my mom since my run-off scenario with M. Since being back home, I’ve been visiting my mom with J always present. M is always with me, which I am fine with. I have been getting close to J again and now have split feelings for the both of them. Today, while M was at work, I cuddled with J and got intimate. Now, I just feel lost. J says that I should pick whoever I feel is right for me. But, I don’t know who it is at this point.