I am a liar. I don’t understand why any of my friends or family still trust me- I am constantly lying to them. Every time I say “I’m okay”, a little part of me cries out “No, I’m really not”. I am the strong one for everyone else. I am the person that everyone comes to when they need someone to hold them up- I take the world on my shoulders for anyone I care about. I give and give and give, and I never expect anything in return. And I know this is extraordinarily unhealthy. I would take a bullet for anyone, simply because I value their lives so much more than I value my own. And I can’t name a single friend of mine who would be willing to take a bullet to try to save me. I want to run away so often- to start over, a clean slate without any of the pressures or expectations that I feel now. I promised I would stop cutting. I really have been trying. Sometimes, I make progress- too often I slip up. My world has just gone to hell, and I have trouble keeping it all straight- I just feel so pathetic, hopeless, helpless… I lost my childhood home- I am currently displaced and moving frequently. I am borderline failing half of my classes, and my teachers keep adding more pressure. My friends (like myself) have been in and out of the hospital for self harm/suicide attempts- I am constantly trying to ease their pain and comfort them. My last grandmother (all five of my other grandparents have died recently) can’t remember who I am most days. My sister is pregnant. My parents are constantly fighting- money is getting tight from paying to fix our house, and for my doctors’ bills. I suffer from excruciating migraines and have passed out (fainted or had a seizure- we’re still not sure) quite often recently. I am still waiting for test results as to whether my brain is functioning properly or not. Everything is hanging in the balance. I don’t know which way is up anymore, and yet people rely on me to be their rock. I have to be strong for everyone else, but no one is there to be strong for me. Not one of my friends has ever asked if I am okay- unless I go out of my way to act weird. I wonder if they even give a damn about me. And to top it all off, I have developed a romantic attachment to my best-guy-friend. It’s a one sided romance, and I won’t ever have the courage to tell him. This is all while questioning my s***** orientation…I know I’ve kind of rambled, but I just can’t deal with everything on my own anymore, and I’ve never been good at asking for help. So I’m writing this to get it out there. I am unhealthy, I don’t know if I have a serious illness, no one really cares about me, and everything is upside down. Why does everything always have to be so f****** complicated?
