I have agoraphobia. I can go for walks sometimes but only with a safe person. I am unemployed and I have never had a job even though I am 26 years old. I tried to find someone online to talk to. I’ve been speaking to someone on/off for about 2 years. I told her how to m*********, which made up for us not being able to be physically intimate. I really liked doing it and I liked her. She recently told me that she’s married, with children, so I don’t know what else she’s lied about. Perhaps it was a man, some internet joke. So I don’t even talk to her/him anymore. I keep having thoughts of suicide. I keep thinking, ‘I’m going to kill myself today,’ or, ‘I really should kill myself now.’ And sometimes I think, ‘kill yourself,’ and other such variations, as if it is someone else talking to me. I know I will never kill myself, but it’s got to a point where contemplating it is an instinctive reaction whenever the smallest thing goes wrong. I can barely tell the difference between each day now and the years are going faster and faster. I hate pills and I don’t trust the industry that makes them. My constant anxiety, and panic attacks are symptoms, not the illness – whatever that illness is. Taking pills is like taking cough medicine to cure lung cancer. It’s beginning to dawn on me that there is no way out. All I do is sit on my computer. I used to watch p*** but can’t relate to it anymore. When I m********* I now use pictures of myself or look at myself in the mirror. I hate food and I barely eat. I used to enjoy reading, writing, drawing, music, watching animals but now it’s all a chore to me and it panics me to even think about doing something that might make me happy. I can’t complain about anything to anyone in my family as they think I am living a good life being able to be at home all the time.
