I was setting up at a party last week. DJ, punchbowl, keg, you know the drill. Anyway it was my duty to tap the keg but the hammer was out in my buddy’s car. I dragged the 30lb keg of beer to his car and his girlfriend said she wanted to get back at him for (random bitchy reason). Naturally I assumed she was talking about a quick screw, so I told her no, saying I did not want to go behind my friend’s back that way. She explained it wasn’t s** that she wanted, instead she wanted me to open the keg so that she could take a s*** inside it. Now, I don’t know what on Earth would make someone want to do that but that is what she said, hand on the Bible. I figured it was worth a laugh, seeing her squatting over the keg with her shorts around her ankles, and I justified that it wasn’t as dishonest as f****** her. Besides, I could just as easily leave the tainted keg out of sight and warn my buddies not to pour drinks from it. So I undid the top and away she went.

Funny thing about my buddy’s girl that I should mention; she eats nothing but Chicano Mexican quesadillas and nachos, and refried beans especially. I know this because we used to eat lunch together in highschool, but you didn’t have to know this girl to see how her diet affected her if you’d seen what came out of her b*******, it was like one of those papermache volcanoes the kids make in school and pretend lava pours out the top, only it was lumpy foul-smelling diarrhea s*** and it was flowing down rather than up. Now I thought she was only going to squeeze out a few floaters and that would be it, I was wrong. If they named oceans after bowel movements, hers would have been the Atlantic. To give you all some perspective, the keg was sitting at 9/10ths capacity when it was just beer; after my buddy’s girl was done with it the keg was full right up to the tap mark. That’s a lot of s***. I didn’t know what to say, but after she pulled her pants up she was looking at me with one of those “well, now or never Jose” faces, so I put the keg back on the wheelcart, grabbed the hammer I originally went to get and wheeled the stinky bomb back inside the party.

Here’s the part of my confession that gives me the guilt. Or shame, is probably the better word. I made good on my promise to warn everyone about the Trojan horse-poo that was inside the keg, and to my surprise none of them believed me. Even my best friend, the guy dating the shitter girl actually thought I was making it all up in order to keep the beer for myself. In their defense I could see why they might have thought that, I do love a good beer or at least I used to. After what happened to that soiled keg I don’t think my lips will touch beer for a long damn time.
The party went on and everyone started on the drinks. Naturally everyone went for the punch first, and about the time the DJ started playing Freebird was when a fat guy named Vern decided to pour himself a beer. Again I warned everyone about what lay inside but Vern just pushed me out of the way, saying I was hogging the suds. If he had only noticed I hadn’t drunk a single drop of beer, he might have listened to me. Vern takes a gulp, (these are practicing alcoholics, not wine tasters remember) and he gave me this s*** eating grin. That term is tossed around a lot, but what I saw on Vern’s lower face was the literal definition of a S*** Eating Grin. He said some smart-assed retort before downing the rest of his cup and pouring another.
It wasn’t for another hour before someone finally noticed the “funny shade” of the beer, and somebody else complained that it had lumps in it. One of the party goers, I think it was Teddy my cousin from up north decided to have a look inside the keg himself. He unscrewed the top just as that girl had done hours earlier and found what was left inside the keg, a slurry mix of hops, yeast and feces. Everyone who drank from the keg (and it was nearly everyone, excluding me and a few depressing sober drivers) was getting violently angry and sick, calling for blood or throwing fists or puking on their Doc Martins. Everyone assumed it was Vern who did it, one of the disadvantages of being the fat guy at a party I guess. He was lynched, Vern was. I don’t know where he is now, or what happened to him but I still see his s*** eating grin every time I tell this story. As for my buddy and his disgusting girlfriend? They’re still together. Don’t ask how that worked out.