I'm sorry I always said I didn't want to get to 30, not because I hated 30 but because I hate the world, it feels like constant torture. I'm not sure

12 years

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I’m sorry

I always said I didn’t want to get to 30, not because I hated 30 but because I hate the world, it feels like constant torture.

I’m not sure where to start really, I guess for almost as long as I can remember I’ve felt low, depressed, at least that’s what the psychiatrist calls it, and even they appear to have abandoned me now.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this I guess it’s really for mum, I’m sorry mum I cannot stay here any longer, I’m not sure you could have done anything differently, the only thing you did wrong was give birth to me.

I know you’ve always tried to talk to me but and I pushed you away, I think I’ve only ever really spoken to Darren and in these later years even that’s been getting too much.

As I wrote this for the first time I was sat in the blue monkey holiday home, Nina thought it a good idea to come for a week away, only that morning I got really frustrated and angry at something small, I can no longer deal with being here, I’ve tried so hard with the priory but I guess I’m just faulty.

None of this is Nina’s fault, for the last 14 years she has stuck by me even when she’s had no good reason, I don’t deserve her love, she has such a beautiful heart, I’m so sorry Nina I loved you until the end, I know you love me, I know you’ll be heartbroken I also know you’ll be free to move on and have a happier life with someone new, if they are half as beautiful as you they’ll be amazing.

Darren – I always wanted to be like you! Your such a decent guy, I’m sorry I upset you as a teenager I really never wanted to hurt you. The though of losing you back then was unbearable. Then when you went to Aus I cried for so long I missed you!

Shaun – stay strong I feel your pain I’m just not strong enough to deal with it and it don’t really want to anymore. Look after Erin stay strong for her and for YOU! I love you.

Alison – for years I thought about you I wondered where you were & what you were doing, then when the day finally came It was heartbreaking to read your letter, so many accusations which I realise you can’t possibly have known. I’m sorry I never really knew you that I’m sure that was my loss.

That just leaves dad, I was never meant for this world, that’s not your fault, I know you tried your best and I now know your life’s been tough.

I’m sorry if I made it any harder.

New Confession

i hear this weird bird at night, now I have great imaginitis, so in my head I see it as some steam punk tarred n feathered humanoid hybrid with peak and googles and a suit with feathers falling out everywhere looking for its ding dong for a shag somewhere with local women on a bike. slightly ostrich, slightly alien humoid and steam punk. That is the picture in my head. I have near ever yet seen it so I often sing to myself that song “one of these nights, one of these crazy crazy nights… silly lamaha who turns on your lights” The eagles , between dark and light , cuz I rarely hear it in the day. I imagine some old b****** blowing his hoot looking for a shoot , you know what I mean. I bet its tarred and feathered well too. the rainbow thoth call guy riding a bike looking for some fly money for s***** affliations at night.

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