First off let me preface this by saying I am a scumbag. I hate myself and hate what I did and all the lives I ruined along the way. I was with my wife/best friend for almost 28 years, married for 17. We were high school sweethearts, started dating at 15 and were inseparable. We had a pretty good life, got along great, and always enjoyed each other. S** was non-existant and my wife didn’t ever seem to be into it but everything else was really good. We had no kids but had young nieces and nephews who loved us and who we loved; I especially loved her brother and his wife’s 3 little kids and had a special bond with their twins. They felt like my own kids and we were a major, major part of their lives. When my wife’s mom died, her dad basically moved on from the family with his new girlfriend and her family and my wife and I became like “pseudo” grandparents to these 3 kids. LOVED THESE KIDS.

I convinced myself I needed more s** and ended up cheating on her and carrying on a year long affair. When my wife found out she was devastated and I moved out. As I mentioned we have no kids (just a dog) and after a few months she decided to take me back and work on our marriage. We went to therapy and again, I know, I am a scumbag and throughout all this I still carried on with the affair. My wife and I got back together and I moved back in. About 2 months later she found out I never ended the affair and that was it. I moved out for good and we got divorced (amicably – the woman is a saint).

It has now been almost a year since this all happened and I am still devastated. I know everyone is going to say “your fault” and “you made your bed now lie in it” and I get it. I also heard from everyone around me that “what’s done is done and you have to stop beating yourself up and move on.” I could no longer live in the same area where my wife and I grew up and could not get through life in the fog I was in. I moved all the way across the country to CA in hopes I could start over. I met someone else and are a couple but I can’t give myself to her fully as I am just not over my wife (and I miss those kids like crazy…I can’t believe I’m never going to see them again). I compare everything my new girlfriend does to my ex-wife and honestly my new gf can’t hold a candle to my ex-wife. I told my wife when we divorced that I would never get over her and that is exactly what is happening. I think about my ex every day…..I tell myself hundreds of times a day that I’m such an a**hole and that I messed up royally and every night I pretty much cry myself to sleep missing her. I wake up in the middle of the night crying. I’m basically just going through the motions of life as I just wish I wasn’t such a short-sighted jerkoff. I ruined the best thing in my life and I ruined any chance I’ll ever have of having true happiness.

I don’t dare tell anyone in my family this or any of my friends because I’m supposed to be the big, tough, badass dude they all know so I basically just sit in regret over what I’ve done and the guilt I feel for hurting my wife the way I did. She didn’t deserve the way I treated her…she is a wonderful person. I feel such a weight of loss and miss her like you cannot believe. They say time heals all wounds but I’m sorry…it does not.

I will never get over this and will regret my actions till the day I die which, to be honest, I hope is sooner rather than later. I am a totally lost without her and can’t ever imagine living a happy life without her…..can’t believe that I won’t be growing old with her like we always talked about. Just wanted to tell someone..even if it is here online. And if any guy is reading this and has the feelings I had and is trying to convince themselves they want out of their marriage and would be better off without their wife I’m here to tell you to re-access and see the value in your wife now before you do something you will regret.