Last year, the hottest guy in my grade Leo proposed that we became friends with benefits. Me, having the hugest crush on him agreed to it even though i knew that us hooking up would mean nothing to him. It went on for months and every time i said i would put an end to it, I never could. I became obsessed with him and we would make out every single time we saw each other. I was gaining really strong feelings for him and meanwhile he was dating other girls. Finally i realized that he was controlling me and that I had to distance myself from him, i didn’t talk to him for 3 months and we didn’t hookup for 4. It was the hardest thing i ever had to deal with. There was a constant urge to start hooking up again, I would think about it almost every night. Eventuallly one night i got really drunk with some friends and the boy i liked at the time had just cheated on me, Leo showed up at my house at 2 in the morning drunk and wanted to spend the night. My parents were sleeping and we all decided that we would just sneak him out in the morning. I had no intentions to do anything with Leo, we slept in the same bed beside each other and my friend was on the end. I was trying to fall asleep but it was impossible, too many things were going through my head “do i want to hookup with him? yes. should i? no. will i? maybe.” Well it happened. He kissed me at some point in the night and i didnt deny it, we ended up making out for 4 hours straight and he fingered me (which was the first time i had ever done that). It was probably the most memorable time of my life, something I will never be able to forget even if i tried. But the next morning my mom found us sleeping in the bed together and thats when i realized all he ever did was cause me trouble. After this, I refused to never talk to him again. Until this year when the school year started and our lockers were right beside each other. I didn’t want anything to do with Leo but he was always in my face and we were at the same parties all the time, it was impossible to ignore him. So now we’re friends and its harder than ever. I think about what we used to do all the time and every time im with him i have the temptation to do these things with him again. Now he doesn’t want to, its a relief because i wont be able to do anything ill regret but i still have the constant urge and i know it isnt going away anytime soon. I know this isnt healthy and I have to get over this.
