I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years now , long distance, it hasn’t been easy. When we started dating i was 16, he was 22. This is the root of our problem. I can’t tell my mother, i can’t be with him freely. And I’m 18, in my prime so I’m told. We’ve had countless arguments about how the fact im apparently ‘young and beautiful’ will be the end of us, according to him.

I live with flat mates that go to university here and at the start of term they had freshers week. Me and my boyfriend had just had a fight, I’ve been under stress with college and the pressure to apply for uni by the end of the year and he had finally moved back to England, we had met in Dubai while i was still a school girl, but he refused to see me for the first month he was back. Out of anger and confusion I went out with my flat mates every day for freshers week and got very, very drunk everyday. I found myself prone to s***** desire, out of selfishness and loneliness. There was one man I met that caught my interest and being stupid as I am I slept with him while drunk. I don’t recall much of it but i do remember remember one thing, it made me feel wanted. But the next morning I looked in the mirror and i was disgusted by the girl staring back at me.

It gets worse. Me and my boyfriend continued to be in a low and I continued seeing this man, I told him I was in a relationship, hoping that he would tell me to piss off, but he didn’t. He doesn’t care. And neither did i at first. I thought it was going to be the end of me and my boyfriend and out of selfishness I continued to sleep with this man just because it made me feel wanted.

Now I can’t look at my boyfriend without feeling guilty. I told the guy that I’m not sure what to do anymore, I’m unhappy with the relationship but I still love my boyfriend. He turns to me and says, you can’t love him if you’re sleeping with me. One part of me tells me he’s right but the other part is screaming NO, hes my first love ,my world ,my everything, I MUST love him. But how could I? If I’ve allowed myself to sink so low and to commit the worst of sins how can i honestly be inlove with him? Something in my head tells me, ” You’re YOUNG, you can’t live life without some fun, lifes too short don’t worry ” but then something else says ” whats the point in life without love? And whats the point in love IF YOURE GOING TO CHEAT. ”

To make it worse this other man makes me feel different. When we went out he would compliment me and show me off to all this friends ” look how beautiful she is. ” , ” You’re the best looking girl in this place. ” , ” I never want to stop seeing you. ” Is it the s**? Is it my looks? Does he mean it? He tells me that if my boyfriend was everything I want and need then I wouldn’t have wanted him. ‘Is he right?’ I ask myself. I feel like its a bit of everything but it gave me what I needed then, attention.

But now it doesn’t seem worth it. Yes he made me feel different and yes he payed attention to me. But what is that all compared to the 2 years my boyfriend has given to me? Its never been perfect, what relationship is, he himself has even cheated and had little indiscretions. But none of that makes what I’ve done okay. None of what I’m saying makes me feel like that it was justified.

I’ve been consumed in guilt, constantly having an image of my boyfriends face if he ever found out. But that motivated me to stop seeing this man. I do have an attraction for him that goes beyond s** but if I’m going to continue to see him I want to be single and free to have an honest relation with him, not constantly feel disgusted and guilty around him. Its not fair on him or my boyfriend.

Do I tell my boyfriend and let him know how far I’ve fallen , tarnished. Or for his sake, the relationships sake and for my own selfish protection do I stay silent, let the fact it happened be a lesson to me, reminding me of how much of a terrible person i am but covering it up, burring it deep down and forget about it and carry on. Regain the strength of the love I once felt for him. Or do I simply end it? Am I too young? I don’t know. All I know is that its over with this other man and I’m going to silently learn my lesson.

Judge me how you like I probably deserve it. Knowing that I’ve done it is punishment enough. I’m selfish person but he doesn’t deserve this to be the end of this. I need to fix it in my own way. What do you think, dear reader? Am I stupid? Am I a w****? Am I simply too young? I just need someone from the outside to tell it to me straight.

I loved the attention it gave me, made me feel edgy, naughty. But now I’ve come to my senses. When I skype my boyfriend I love at his face and I melt just how I used to when we first met. I listen to the comfort of his voice that has always been there for me. I live in the memories we’ve had and feel alive. But then I remember what I’ve done and everything goes black and numb.

I know I’m a bad person for cheating, but am I a bad person for realising that I want to stay with my boyfriend after having a fight, drinking and sleeping with someone else? Some of you will probably be screaming YES , YES YOU ARE, S***. And you’re right, in now way am I proud of it but I won’t be in denial about it. I’m staying with him. Giving the relationship the chance it deserves I won’t allow my stupidity and weakness to be the end of it. But what do you think?

It’s killing me but In no way would I ever admit to my boyfriend to what I’ve done. Its too painful for him and for me. I can’t do that to him. Yes I know i should have thought of that before i started cheating. Worse thing is I cant even blame it on booze. Its fully my fault and I have to live with that, I feel that living with my guilt will be enough of a lesson for me. But I want honest thoughts?