Two years ago I started to develop feelings for my best friend. We’re both 16 year old girls and it isn’t strange among my group of friends to be really touchy but we always take it a step further. I was at one of my friend’s houses for a sleepover party and I was pretty much spooning my bestfriend. Everyone was massive a****** about it by giving us ship names and things of that sort. I felt sick to my stomach whenever this came up.

We tell each other a lot of out secrets – her dad’s an alcoholic and my family is crazy. She said she had never felt she could tell anyone the things she tells me. She always says how she wants us to be together forever but I couldn’t tell how she meant it.

A couple of months ago I sent her (let’s call her C.) an email saying that I’m bisexual and that if she didn’t want to hang out with me any more that’s fine since she’s catholic and it’s against her parent’s beliefs etc. She replied saying that she was bi as well and that I was the first person she’s told. She then said that she talked to her Mom (who was really understanding about it).

We went to a Hallooween party together and when her mum came to pick her up she said ‘hello (my name)’ but the way she said it and looked at me there was this knowledge there that I don’t understand.

I started to really fall for her after that and I told my friend S. that I had a crush on C.. Everyone was sitting around playing truth or dare and she was sat opposite me in the circle and the question of ‘who would you date out of the grade (we go to an all girl’s catholic school) ‘ came up and she got asked it. She said that she didn’t really want to say because she didn’t want it to be weird but after some coaxing she said my name. I was shocked and when I got asked the question I said C.’s name.

I asked S. to talk to C. later about it because I wasn’t going to tell C. how I felt but I had hope that this might work out. S. asked C. who her top three girls she would date from the grade would be and she said that it was only me.

I was so happy so I texted C. saying how I had a crush on her etc. and she made it sound like she had one on me too but when we got back to school she said that she ‘thought her feelings were just a best-friend closeness sort of thing’ not a romantic thing. I can’t tell if she’s taking back what she said but I told her that I would get over the crush and it’s fine but then she said ‘what if I don’t want you to get over it?’ I just looked at her and she kind of laughed it off and said that it was all cool.

I felt my heart sink. She can’t have me both ways.

I just love her so much but she is too scared to think too much about her s******** because she’s scared what her dad would do. She keeps being all touchy and sitting on my lap when we hang out as a group but it’s killing me. I don’t want to lose her but I can’t handle this any more.

High school s****.