My life s**** beyond belief. I’m 28, and I’m still struggling to complete my education even though I now hate my chosen field. I haven’t had a girlfriend or any kind or relationship in the last year, and my last relationship was my first.
It lasted three days (big deal, I know) before the girl I was dating told me she wanted to marry me, and when I told her I needed some more time she went all “Fatal Attraction” on me, broke my laptop and threatened to tell the police I raped her.
Luckily, I already called the police to get her out of my apartment, so her threat wasn’t really effective.
(In hindsight I shouldn’t have dated someone who was clearly a little off her rocker, but desperation after years of being completely dateless makes you do stupid things).
Now I’m back to being a dateless loser who is so insanely afraid of being rejected by the women I like that always wait for them to make the first move (and of course they never do. The only one who did was the crazy girl I wrote about before).
And I know why women rejected me when I tried to approach them in the past. I came across as desperate, and desperation kills any s** appeal. I also am not ambitious enough to be interesting, I’m not confident enough to make them feel secure, and sometimes I wear dresses and get haircuts that are incredibly out of fashion (but they’re cheap. I don’t have much money.).
The problem is that I can’t bring myself to change all of those things.
I’m also supposed to complete my Master degree. I dropped out of Uni a few years ago, I struggled to get back, completed my undergrad, then got depressed and stopped caring about pretty much anything.
There are not many job opportunities in my chosen field these days. Things were different when I started my degree, but thanks to my cocktail of mental illnesses (severe depression, social phobia, and general anxiety) even though I force myself to be more active I struggle to even get out of bed in the morning, let alone study.
I used to be a straight A student in high school, top of my my class and anything, and everyone (parents, teachers, relatives in general) was expecting big things from me. So far I haven’t achieved anything special. To be honest, I haven’t achieved anything.
So, when people ask me about my life, I pretty much lie all the time. I tell them I’m having tons of fun, working on big projects, and going places in life, while actually I’m stuck into a never-ending loop of failures.
Many times it feels like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. Whenever I try to focus and do something I end up doing nothing, and struggling to even concentrate enough to study. I used to breeze through my exams, now they’ve become a chore that leaves me physically and emotionally drained.
Whenever I try to go out and have fun, I always end worrying about how other people are going to see me, about whether the girl I’m talking to is going to reject me. I worry a lot about how I look (I’m actually only average or slightly lower than average-looking, but many times I feel like I’m uglier than sin), how I sound, whether I am boring, insensitive, or a burden for others.
I have struggled for all my life to make my friends and family believe that I’m a fun-loving, nice, and successful person, or that at least I’m doing something with my life. Some people bought it, and sometimes I have even managed to fool myself into believe it, and I ended up having some bits of fun and success, but they’re few and far between.
Recently this image is crumbling and my problems have started to show. I’m getting more and more depressed as I see that most people my age have done far more professionally and are far more successful with the the other s** than I do. I know that in both cases it’s all my fault, and I can’t blame anyone but myself. I should worry less, take better care of myself, apply myself and not give up as easily as I do.
But most times all I see in my future is yet more suffering, more rejections, more failures, and years of being single and unemployed. It’s like a black hole from which I can’t escape, no matter how hard I try. I have started to seriously think about suicide lately, and it scared me so much that I’m seeing a therapist to sort out the huge mess that my life has become.
All I’m feeling since I’ve been seeing the therapist is anger. Anger against people who are more successful than me and mock me for being single and not having done anything with my life, anger against people that I help doing something and mock me anyway, anger against people that expected so much of me and now tell me that I disappointed them.
I know that this anger is exaggerated, pointless and that they’re not to blame for my failures. I am. But sometimes I just wish that people would leave me alone, not care about me and let me waste away like I deserve to do, since I’m a huge waste of space.
And I know what you’re thinking. “What a whiner. He should pick himself up and grow the f*** up. ” You are perfectly right, because this is what I tell myself every day. But it still doesn’t work.
So I said to myself “What the hell. People on the internet might call me names, mock me, and do everything they want, but they don’t know me. I don’t need to tell them lies, or make them believe I’m something that I’m not. I can b**** and moan and annoy them with my depressing life, and not feel guilty about it in the slightest”.
Ultimately this comment isn’t for you or about you, I’m sorry. It’s for me. It”s a way to confess that my life s****, that it’s all my fault and that, yes, I probably deserved to suffer. But you know what? F*** all of that. I’m going to try again. I’m going to force myself to study, go out, approach girls. And even if I’ll fail every single time, I’m going to try again and again and again.
I don’t give a s*** about what the “cool people” who live successful lives think about me. I wish them all the best, but they don’t have any right to judge me or my life. Live your cool life full of successes, enjoy them as much as you can, but if you feel the need to mock the lesser beings who struggle to get by, ask yourself why you’re wasting your time mocking someone when you could be out having more fun.
If you still feel like you want to write insults, to comment that I’m a loser, that I should give up and kill myself, that’s perfectly OK. Here’s a free “f*** you” for you. Have a nice f****** day!
If you think you want to support me, that’s fine too.